Texts From Last Night · LSUQueen23's Favorites

Sorry ostentexas hasn't picked any favorites yet.

LSUQueen23's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(334): View more from Alabama

He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.

Fav 58 17155 4135
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters

Fav 83 11866 2384
share tweet

(507): View more from Minnesota

She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...

Fav 42 1307 12701
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx

Fav 30 2868 4371
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper

Fav 16 4343 1832
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.

Fav 21 6411 2295
share tweet

(216): View more from Ohio

I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.

Fav 14 1699 4707
share tweet

(732): View more from New Jersey

she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love

Fav 35 13004 1658
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.

Fav 19 1963 4223
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.

Fav 47 12198 2839
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here

Fav 13 2311 5171
share tweet

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!

Fav 14 9657 2036
share tweet

(813): View more from Florida

I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.

Fav 36 20509 2054
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.

Fav 14 1805 6052
share tweet

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me

Fav 13 1672 4221
share tweet
(+27): View more from South Africa

My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.

Fav 17 2739 5168
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.

Fav 137 7391 5951
share tweet
(831): View more from California

she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?

Fav 80 14873 2883
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life

Fav 27 7077 1589
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.

Fav 47 6992 1900
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.

(901): View more from Tennessee

BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that

Fav 26 2211 4507
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.

(214): View more from Texas

Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.

(817): View more from Texas

You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.

Fav 35 10989 1771
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.

Fav 7 1756 4118
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

his penis is PERFECT

(802): View more from Vermont

I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm

(802): View more from Vermont

or knit it little hat

Fav 37 10361 1803
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf

Fav 24 1233 14204
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"

Fav 44 8807 1895
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

when i was alone, his dick was there for me...

Fav 32 5320 1584
share tweet
(361): View more from Texas

She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.

Fav 24 1416 6035
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time

Fav 57 1397 8119
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes

(905): View more from Ontario

You're fat. Stop making excuses

Fav 70 13888 6048
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore

Fav 37 6970 1701
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done

Fav 15 4111 3170
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Am i fat?

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Well i wouldnt let you on top

Fav 36 2199 9876
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.

Fav 24 1677 5593
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex

Fav 16 5946 1302
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.

Fav 119 41646 2326
share tweet
(606): View more from Kentucky

he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.

Fav 25 5400 2059
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.

(732): View more from New Jersey

sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner

Fav 26 1724 6032
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.

Fav 20 8432 2012
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?

Fav 55 1457 17674
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.

(714): View more from California

Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."

Fav 37 10358 2113
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?

Fav 154 12238 2538
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.

Fav 44 8519 2976
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.

Fav 16 1129 6597
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?

Fav 14 5339 2740
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.

Fav 24 12045 1680
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?

(203): View more from Connecticut

bc i get to see you. naked.

Fav 24 8732 1812
share tweet
(949): View more from California

When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'

Fav 23 5565 1522
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.

Fav 38 13585 1851
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

Fav 125 48822 2421
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'

Fav 28 2065 8112
share tweet
(562): View more from California

If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up

Fav 24 12390 1705
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer

Fav 24 8764 1782
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

Fav 185 53787 3103
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.

Fav 15 8277 1517
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.

Fav 54 10178 1808
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.

Fav 30 10027 1601
share tweet
(209): View more from California

I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.

Fav 25 8093 1363
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.

Fav 33 2017 14227
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky

Fav 26 4755 2289
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.

Fav 44 13895 1616
share tweet
(650): View more from California

we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed

(505): View more from New Mexico

god you guys know how to party

(650): View more from California

worst. bachelorette party. ever.

Fav 16 1391 7314
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.

Fav 11 1608 5904
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.

Fav 38 4778 7822
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

She tied me up with her honor cords...

Fav 29 11562 1380
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.

Fav 18 8381 1448
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom

Fav 48 23095 1767
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Say it nicely.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

Fav 51 17092 1832
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.

Fav 30 14195 1646
share tweet
(818): View more from California

apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"

Fav 20 6977 2836
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky

Fav 22 9145 1731
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.

Fav 10 6712 1253
share tweet
(818): View more from California

She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.

Fav 31 1168 10036
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.

Fav 101 10304 1563
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

Fav 83 35243 2055
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.

Fav 30 5932 1769
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.

Fav 21 6059 1465
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.

Fav 44 7184 2077
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.

(1-480): View more from Arizona

Do I even want to know?

Fav 28 4922 2105
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.

Fav 11 1140 5330
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.

Fav 17 1157 4377
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

She brought up feelings... her days are numbered

Fav 19 2109 5673
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

That's funny. Are they weird looking???

(262): View more from Wisconsin

OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.

Fav 39 9445 1835
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?

Fav 21 4891 1282
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.

Fav 38 1226 9230
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?

Fav 28 6841 1711
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home

Fav 16 8945 1303
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.

Fav 59 1068 3929
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.

(1-850): View more from Florida

Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.

Fav 80 4458 1099
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?

Fav 49 1519 21139
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.

Fav 25 7102 2099
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

God wants them to get laid too.

Fav 59 8464 1869
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"

Fav 46 15408 1888
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.

Fav 19 5029 1508
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss

Fav 17 9043 1374
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.

(201): View more from New Jersey

We better fuck soon then

Fav 25 8214 1430
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."

Fav 18 5521 1319
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo

Fav 41 6091 2070
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me

Fav 19 9005 1686
share tweet
(818): View more from California

my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.

Fav 51 3349 13004
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.

Fav 19 7012 1802
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

fireball beer pong. youre missing out

(732): View more from New Jersey

how is that even possible?

(908): View more from New Jersey

ove gloves.

(732): View more from New Jersey

be there in ten.

Fav 30 9414 1606
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

..i think i can hear you losing your virginity

Fav 17 9001 2441
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest

Fav 22 5613 1181
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".

Fav 77 19444 3088
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.

Fav 25 10580 1353
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.

Fav 39 7824 1478
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?

Fav 35 5123 1624
share tweet
(925): View more from California

DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR

Fav 42 11576 1759
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.

Fav 32 9287 2093
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.

Fav 17 9342 1220
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time

Fav 21 8682 1232
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.

Fav 20 1357 6190
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit

Fav 13 7073 1527
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.

Fav 30 6732 1419
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...

Fav 13 8459 1599
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"

Fav 40 11853 1595
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"

Fav 42 1769 15027
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.

Fav 14 5003 1214
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.

Fav 10 9259 1361
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....

Fav 16 4853 1219
share tweet
(858): View more from California

There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.

Fav 24 7905 1331
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.

Fav 21 6078 1642
share tweet
(818): View more from California

he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came

(323): View more from California

i love that song!

(818): View more from California

NOT THE POINT

Fav 19 7863 1798
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave

(703): View more from Virginia

and miss being on the news....no way

Fav 21 9195 1573
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"

Fav 16 1639 6179
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.

Fav 16 5170 1333
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is

Fav 46 5269 1604
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

guess who has a date tonight

(401): View more from Rhode Island

look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed

Fav 25 7468 1438
share tweet
(530): View more from California

my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...

Fav 52 2716 10604
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out

Fav 42 11447 1728
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe

Fav 35 1674 14428
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing

Fav 17 11360 1566
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?

Fav 48 1596 7629
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight

Fav 50 13557 1912
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.

Fav 21 5206 2132
share tweet
(559): View more from California

I queefed so loud it echoed.

Fav 56 2321 11287
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.

Fav 24 2277 7132
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.

Fav 41 1227 9640
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser

Fav 30 11281 1694
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.

Fav 32 7277 1659
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?

(503): View more from Oregon

3some

(541): View more from Oregon

You're right, stupid question.

Fav 21 10794 1615
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much

Fav 26 10895 1534
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.

Fav 9 6525 1720
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack

Fav 28 1209 4645
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

How did people poop without Blackberrys?

(416): View more from Ontario

Motorola Razers?

(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Stone age, man.

Fav 53 4520 1143
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

i want to fuck

(320): View more from Minnesota

?

(701): View more from North Dakota

it's pretty self explanatory

Fav 62 7964 1296
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...

(404): View more from Georgia

Dont! You were just serving you country

Fav 71 7206 2835
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.

Fav 16 2248 6149
share tweet
(916): View more from California

She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad

Fav 75 12484 4005
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

Fav 31 20934 1954
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.

Fav 48 6793 2266
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night

(401): View more from Rhode Island

no, that is not a typo

(401): View more from Rhode Island

i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday

Fav 50 6984 2587
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

Fav 87 26958 5266
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm

Fav 21 4009 4852
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?

Fav 29 11312 1579
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.

Fav 14 5520 1359
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?

Fav 37 8253 1751
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.

Fav 98 28633 2414
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.

Fav 18 8103 1543
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.

Fav 27 1751 5200
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities

Fav 11 5435 1836
share tweet
(862): View more from New Jersey

found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"

Fav 19 10890 2175
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas

Fav 27 6467 2811
share tweet
(936): View more from Texas

You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.

Fav 18 2401 6969
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..

(219): View more from Indiana

you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.

(646): View more from New York

nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..

Fav 31 1580 5070
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

And that worked?

(919): View more from North Carolina

9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.

Fav 70 14193 1980
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.

Fav 12 9942 1892
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?

Fav 18 6411 1398
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.

Fav 43 1959 4396
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.

Fav 42 2675 7587
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt

Fav 11 1129 3207
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that

Fav 34 6112 1522
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.

Fav 19 7329 2002
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.

Fav 28 13864 2497
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.

Fav 22 1747 7790
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

Let's make jello shots for tomorrow

(1-913): View more from Kansas

What's going on tomorrow?

(913): View more from Kansas

Nothing, it's Wednesday

Fav 29 11317 1455
share tweet
(506): View more from New Brunswick

I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?

(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.

Fav 17 10942 1587
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.

Fav 17 1130 3393
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min

Fav 21 4584 810
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?

Fav 12 2865 1000
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up

Fav 26 4774 1047
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories

(239): View more from Florida

He could rock you to sleep

Fav 28 4258 1417
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.

Fav 19 7109 1533
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?

Fav 13 1341 5249
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.

Fav 12 7403 1714
share tweet
(478): View more from Georgia

She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks

Fav 22 5014 1946
share tweet
(760): View more from California

For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".

Fav 12 4276 1346
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..

(250): View more from British Columbia

i'll start checking the bushes on campus.

Fav 34 5928 1766
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night

Fav 77 8190 4876
share tweet
(619): View more from California

after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.

Fav 18 7184 1006
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?

Fav 22 1677 5529
share tweet
(714): View more from California

I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.

Fav 20 4282 1167
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.

Fav 27 8126 1271
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.

Fav 10 3640 1592
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.

Fav 27 1418 6533
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"

Fav 5 959 3789
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.

Fav 11 1268 4495
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?

Fav 28 8950 1793
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.

Fav 20 12052 1544
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.

Fav 17 8942 1271
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.

Fav 47 13406 1286
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized

Fav 12 4092 1333
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

it's 1 pm.

Fav 29 8909 1453
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.

(716): View more from New York

gotta love spring break

(845): View more from New York

gotta love slutty girls from the south

Fav 24 5319 1335
share tweet
(308): View more from Nebraska

whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.

Fav 28 1569 5607
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete

Fav 36 6631 1544
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...

Fav 17 8897 1499
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.

Fav 33 12019 3445
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

Fav 112 53247 2386
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker

Fav 19 1183 9363
share tweet
(310): View more from California

based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment

Fav 31 1757 12446
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.

Fav 18 11604 1338
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.

Fav 25 5168 1590
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.

Fav 17 1542 5369
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt

Fav 35 3757 7144
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.

Fav 16 1287 8381
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it

Fav 17 7438 1413
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.

Fav 19 6331 2579
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.

Fav 40 11634 3452
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.

Fav 32 10350 1514
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.

Fav 16 6091 1767
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.

Fav 64 29357 1874
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation

Fav 14 2026 5187
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.

Fav 27 1474 11689
share tweet
(641): View more from Iowa

Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.

Fav 27 9351 3734
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?

Fav 111 12909 1901
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way

Fav 22 9608 1590
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.

Fav 26 5889 2037
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.

Fav 13 9188 1674
share tweet
(308): View more from Nebraska

and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs

Fav 32 10423 2095
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today

Fav 17 1485 9736
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

i don't want you to think of me as your TA

Fav 26 10465 1700
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.

Fav 8 6056 1406
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.

Fav 22 1228 8674
share tweet
(424): View more from California

Do u kno any dealers?

(1-424): View more from California

I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.

Fav 36 3109 7951
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again

Fav 206 46790 4629
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love

Fav 78 26998 3619
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.

(504): View more from Louisiana

Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.

Fav 196 2463 17272
share tweet
(323): View more from California

question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line

Fav 38 2961 1219
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line

Fav 51 10861 1878
share tweet
(714): View more from California

Who was that guy you went home with?

(1-714): View more from California

Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.

Fav 45 6928 1622
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.

Fav 14 6240 1161
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.

Fav 32 8617 1702
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

Fav 54 75095 3010
share tweet
(310): View more from California

So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.

Fav 51 15719 2860
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?

Fav 52 8983 1620
share tweet
(415): View more from California

what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance

Fav 34 1494 5084
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?

Fav 38 1193 3996
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.

Fav 290 4454 3031
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.

Fav 12 1247 4079
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car

Fav 191 16687 2800
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.

Fav 67 20661 1554
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.

(917): View more from New York City

I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.

Fav 122 3686 15933
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.

Fav 9 1059 4139
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic

Fav 18 5823 1665
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party

Fav 33 12971 1323
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.

Fav 24 5511 1139
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?

Fav 162 2746 36898
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...

Fav 17 6274 1533
share tweet
(650): View more from California

how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?

Fav 15 6229 1171
share tweet