Texts From Last Night · MustachioFiat's Favorites

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(847): View more from Illinois

Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized

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(330): View more from Ohio

French fry pizza

(502): View more from Kentucky

Are you brilliant or just really high?

(330): View more from Ohio

Can't it be both?

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(417): View more from Missouri

When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.

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(519): View more from Ontario

What color are my eyes?

(1-519): View more from Ontario

Ummmm... 34 C?

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(678): View more from Georgia

i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.

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(317): View more from Indiana

She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"

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(315): View more from New York

Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express

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(415): View more from California

I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.

(913): View more from Kansas

Nobody is perfect

(816): View more from Missouri

I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other

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(312): View more from Illinois

You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.

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(518): View more from New York

I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

(908): View more from New Jersey

I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

(201): View more from New Jersey

Tie

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(314): View more from Missouri

hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

(636): View more from Missouri

Yup.

(314): View more from Missouri

Yup.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for

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(720): View more from Colorado

dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat

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(810): View more from Michigan

My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.

(1-810): View more from Michigan

either way. win, win.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell

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(315): View more from New York

the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.

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(905): View more from Toronto

In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience

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(858): View more from California

Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i just stepped in cum. i hate you.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Thats what happens when you don't swallow.

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(916): View more from California

I hate ducks.

(916): View more from California

What?

(916): View more from California

they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.

(970): View more from Colorado

Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.

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(740): View more from Ohio

How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?

(1-740): View more from Ohio

2.5

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(214): View more from Texas

Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

On imdb the canadians say It's amazing

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(303): View more from Colorado

his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Who keeps a bong in their car??

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer

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(843): View more from South Carolina

ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...

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(917): View more from New York City

you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

(720): View more from Colorado

ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

(917): View more from New York City

no it doesn't.

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(714): View more from California

I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.

(1405): View more from

I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?

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(972): View more from Texas

they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!

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(805): View more from California

IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!

(818): View more from California

A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?

(805): View more from California

CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT

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(239): View more from Florida

I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?

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(585): View more from New York

i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"

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(248): View more from Michigan

new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur

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(714): View more from California

I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Why are my keys in the refrigerator?

(1-205): View more from Alabama

You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.

(205): View more from Alabama

This explains so much.

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(347): View more from New York

Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.

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(703): View more from Virginia

just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Who goes to Church hungover

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors

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(801): View more from Utah

I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.

(1-801): View more from Utah

We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.

(801): View more from Utah

I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!

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(314): View more from Missouri

Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.

(1-314): View more from Missouri

Man I wish I had been there

(314): View more from Missouri

Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head

(770): View more from Georgia

Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you

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(409): View more from Texas

Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,

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(716): View more from New York

Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.

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(905): View more from Ontario

It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner

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(314): View more from Missouri

My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.

(585): View more from New York

I hate you.

(314): View more from Missouri

To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i have to get rid of the hedgehog.

(765): View more from Indiana

Does it come with a cage?

(201): View more from New Jersey

yes. and food and toys.

(765): View more from Indiana

i'll trade you an 8th for it

(201): View more from New Jersey

deal.

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(714): View more from California

walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined

(714): View more from California

he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day

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(250): View more from British Columbia

the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.

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(847): View more from Illinois

The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job

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(734): View more from Michigan

turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis

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(248): View more from Michigan

I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

you are both the best and worst wingman ever.

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(518): View more from New York

I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.

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(319): View more from Iowa

In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.

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(716): View more from New York

I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.

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(916): View more from California

my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.

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(516): View more from New York

we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan

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(619): View more from California

he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime

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(609): View more from New Jersey

So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one

(609): View more from New Jersey

ravioli

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(612): View more from Minnesota

she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)

(708): View more from Illinois

WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE

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(706): View more from Georgia

Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.

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(712): View more from Iowa

Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.

(714): View more from California

Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."

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(509): View more from Washington

He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.

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(515): View more from Iowa

in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.

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(415): View more from California

dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.

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(914): View more from New York

just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom

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(519): View more from Ontario

Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Whoa, Gary Coleman died

(224): View more from Illinois

Whatchu talkin bout?!?!

(847): View more from Illinois

Too soon.

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(269): View more from Michigan

Pants 0. Shit 1.

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(509): View more from Washington

Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.

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(734): View more from Michigan

How was the bike ride?

(1-734): View more from Michigan

Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.

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(519): View more from Ontario

You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion

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(970): View more from Colorado

Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back

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(606): View more from Kentucky

Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

coke and sex party at dan's

(201): View more from New Jersey

im watching greys anatomy with megan...

(973): View more from New Jersey

wha-pishhh

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(613): View more from Ontario

She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

That's funny. Are they weird looking???

(262): View more from Wisconsin

OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.

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(631): View more from New York

im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies

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(815): View more from Illinois

Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?

(910): View more from North Carolina

succeeding

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.

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(281): View more from Texas

I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.

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(212): View more from New York

Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.

(248): View more from Michigan

hah, sarcasm, classic

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(301): View more from Maryland

Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

without a question

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(757): View more from Virginia

Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd

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(630): View more from Illinois

my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.

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(205): View more from Alabama

soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit

(303): View more from Colorado

I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??

(713): View more from Texas

Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.

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(813): View more from Florida

Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.

(1-813): View more from Florida

I ordered a moonbounce.

(813): View more from Florida

Fuck, you win.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem

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(917): View more from New York City

so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center

(1-917): View more from New York City

you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth

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(240): View more from Maryland

Banned from zoo.

(301): View more from Maryland

Again?

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(858): View more from California

You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?

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(703): View more from Virginia

As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".

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(205): View more from Alabama

When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'

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(256): View more from Alabama

I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".

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(313): View more from Michigan

Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"

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(314): View more from Missouri

Someone's got a whale tail

(1-314): View more from Missouri

A thong is hangin out?

(314): View more from Missouri

No, a fatty following them

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(314): View more from Missouri

dude did u upper deck my toilet?

(1-314): View more from Missouri

haha like two months ago

(314): View more from Missouri

i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u

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(314): View more from Missouri

My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?

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(314): View more from Missouri

Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.

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(314): View more from Missouri

just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college

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(314): View more from Missouri

hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?

(573): View more from Missouri

pat the guy you slept with

(314): View more from Missouri

still need a last name

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(573): View more from Missouri

his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"

(314): View more from Missouri

did it work

(573): View more from Missouri

that's not the point...

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(816): View more from Missouri

you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too

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(816): View more from Missouri

You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.

(1-816): View more from Missouri

So we're fucking tonight?

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(816): View more from Missouri

dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.

(816): View more from Missouri

that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat

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(631): View more from New York

she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?

(516): View more from New York

nope.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .

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(813): View more from Florida

God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.

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(586): View more from Michigan

You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?

(1-586): View more from Michigan

You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.

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(616): View more from Michigan

this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.

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(417): View more from Missouri

you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"

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(707): View more from California

i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting

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(314): View more from Missouri

I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

wtf

(1-225): View more from Louisiana

I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled

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(904): View more from Florida

I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...

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(248): View more from Michigan

We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.

(440): View more from Ohio

I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.

(248): View more from Michigan

Playoffs. This shit is serious.

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(305): View more from Florida

you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out

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(919): View more from North Carolina

What are we going to do tonight?

(704): View more from North Carolina

What we try to do every night. Take over the world

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(954): View more from Florida

you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now

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(801): View more from Utah

I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high

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(650): View more from California

Why were you high on a thursday?

(1-650): View more from California

today's a wednesday

(650): View more from California

I asked first.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Dude, I just rear-ended a cab

(404): View more from Georgia

Are you drunk?

(770): View more from Georgia

A little...yes

(404): View more from Georgia

Run!

(770): View more from Georgia

Terrible brother advice.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.

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(949): View more from California

i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"

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(818): View more from California

I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.

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(818): View more from California

he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came

(323): View more from California

i love that song!

(818): View more from California

NOT THE POINT

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.

(573): View more from Missouri

Jealous.

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(647): View more from Ontario

btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme

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(812): View more from Indiana

i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities

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(925): View more from California

He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.

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(586): View more from Michigan

apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.

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(571): View more from Virginia

On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"

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(812): View more from Indiana

After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.

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(214): View more from Texas

A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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(631): View more from New York

Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.

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(904): View more from Florida

Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'

(1-904): View more from Florida

wtf?

(904): View more from Florida

It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'

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(815): View more from Illinois

Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.

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(540): View more from Virginia

so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..

(1-540): View more from Virginia

What did u do?

(540): View more from Virginia

turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..

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(563): View more from Iowa

his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?

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(613): View more from Ontario

Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that

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(314): View more from Missouri

I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?

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(314): View more from Missouri

There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.

(818): View more from California

Punch her baby.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.

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(678): View more from Georgia

better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole

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(516): View more from New York

i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too

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(925): View more from California

So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.

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(425): View more from Washington

I proposed and she said yes man.

(1-425): View more from Washington

You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?

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(651): View more from Minnesota

you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now

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(216): View more from Ohio

So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab

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(301): View more from Maryland

remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school

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(732): View more from New Jersey

They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks

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(317): View more from Indiana

you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?

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(907): View more from Alaska

Tell me the dirtiest joke you know

(1-907): View more from Alaska

Sarah Palin

(907): View more from Alaska

god, I love you

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(914): View more from New York

Did I miss anything?

(1-914): View more from New York

A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.

(914): View more from New York

so we also did drugs

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(559): View more from California

I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.

(1-559): View more from California

Yup.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....

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(434): View more from Virginia

he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him

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(+33): View more from France

I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.

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(541): View more from Oregon

What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?

(503): View more from Oregon

3some

(541): View more from Oregon

You're right, stupid question.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.

(1-773): View more from Illinois

Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.

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(313): View more from Michigan

So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?

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(410): View more from Maryland

Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!

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(650): View more from California

Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.

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(904): View more from Florida

we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...

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(214): View more from Texas

Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?

(918): View more from Oklahoma

You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.

(405): View more from Oklahoma

I wish there were wingman of the year awards.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later

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(319): View more from Iowa

Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.

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(248): View more from Michigan

doug butabi!

(1-248): View more from Michigan

steve butabi!

(248): View more from Michigan

hotties wanna shake it

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I am the drunkest girl in the tree.

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(845): View more from New York

just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

bl l w

(201): View more from New Jersey

this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

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