Texts From Last Night · allyaris's Favorites

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allyaris's Favorites Texts:

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

This place is a maelstrom of dicks.

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!

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(720): View more from Colorado

Sensing a theme here

(1-720): View more from Colorado

If alcoholism is a theme, yes.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.

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(206): View more from Washington

Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help

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(713): View more from Texas

Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange

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(812): View more from Indiana

I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I didn't notice because vodka

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(302): View more from Delaware

so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.

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(719): View more from Colorado

It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.

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(310): View more from California

God, please protect all woman from micro-penises

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(816): View more from Missouri

I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress

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(503): View more from Oregon

Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going

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(847): View more from Illinois

Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am

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(863): View more from Florida

The porch is breathing.

(813): View more from Florida

STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT

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(408): View more from California

I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol

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(239): View more from Florida

Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you

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(315): View more from New York

You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.

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(406): View more from Montana

I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.

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(602): View more from Arizona

It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses

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(540): View more from Virginia

"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it

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(908): View more from New Jersey

you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!

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(661): View more from California

Are you okay?

(1-661): View more from California

I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!

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(480): View more from Arizona

Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.

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(804): View more from Virginia

We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"

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(903): View more from Texas

he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts

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(818): View more from California

The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.

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(614): View more from Ohio

she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do

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(613): View more from Ontario

I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere

(514): View more from Quebec

Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever

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(212): View more from New York

VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY

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(312): View more from Illinois

She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!

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(330): View more from Ohio

Fuck 8am classes

(330): View more from Ohio

Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes

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(954): View more from Florida

Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.

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(512): View more from Texas

You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.

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(410): View more from Maryland

We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.

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(214): View more from Texas

The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."

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(510): View more from California

she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong

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(216): View more from Ohio

you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission

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(817): View more from Texas

He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?

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(773): View more from Illinois

Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.

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(607): View more from New York

I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.

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(351): View more from Massachusetts

the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!

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(404): View more from Georgia

hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

ugh. my soul tastes like vodka

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(607): View more from New York

I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.

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(510): View more from California

I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.

(1-510): View more from California

It was probably Jesus.

(510): View more from California

I feel like he would have left a message.

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(310): View more from California

I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer

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(501): View more from Arkansas

All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"

(201): View more from New Jersey

hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins

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(+61): View more from Australia

A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM

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(819): View more from Quebec

Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?

(604): View more from British Columbia

Each and every day.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.

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(646): View more from New York

jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.

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(323): View more from California

Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."

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(951): View more from California

My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room

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(808): View more from Hawaii

I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.

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(630): View more from Illinois

dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.

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(805): View more from California

I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?

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(+61): View more from Australia

we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.

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(904): View more from Florida

You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?

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(256): View more from Alabama

that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level

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(714): View more from California

walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined

(714): View more from California

he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day

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(806): View more from Texas

If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut

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(810): View more from Michigan

I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle

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(804): View more from Virginia

My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.

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(813): View more from Florida

Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?

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(410): View more from Maryland

There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

i wish you could fill a pinata with booze

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(480): View more from Arizona

A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.

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(903): View more from Texas

My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.

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(646): View more from New York

It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.

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(925): View more from California

anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.

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(260): View more from Indiana

Vodka is such a love hate relationship.

(661): View more from California

Truer words have never been spoken.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...

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(631): View more from New York

Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"

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(214): View more from Texas

Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go

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(703): View more from Virginia

i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.

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(805): View more from California

IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!

(818): View more from California

A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?

(805): View more from California

CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT

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(903): View more from Texas

He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.

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(631): View more from New York

this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed

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(937): View more from Ohio

oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing

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(812): View more from Indiana

How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?

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(360): View more from Washington

do we own a ladder

(206): View more from Washington

We do not.

(360): View more from Washington

then how am i on the roof

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(+61): View more from Australia

There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.

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(214): View more from Texas

bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong

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(913): View more from Kansas

He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.

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(858): View more from California

She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever

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(304): View more from West Virginia

But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game

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(323): View more from California

I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.

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(773): View more from Illinois

why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom

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(540): View more from Virginia

I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....

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(559): View more from California

You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.

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(540): View more from Virginia

i really wish james franco would like my vagina

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette

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(812): View more from Indiana

They have edible shot glasses at target.

(1-812): View more from Indiana

There really is a God.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal

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(706): View more from Georgia

What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.

(1-781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance

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(+61): View more from Australia

He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...

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(440): View more from Ohio

oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Walk of Shame today included voting.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

tequila makes me forget i have legs

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(647): View more from Ontario

It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.

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(716): View more from New York

my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?

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(+61): View more from Australia

She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.

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(516): View more from New York

Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you

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(208): View more from Idaho

Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"

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(614): View more from Ohio

This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!

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(406): View more from Montana

To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.

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(917): View more from New York City

I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.

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(616): View more from Michigan

So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.

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(646): View more from New York

Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.

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(206): View more from Washington

Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.

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(305): View more from Florida

I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls

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(516): View more from New York

i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.

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(561): View more from Florida

Bad news is he broke up with me via text message

(561): View more from Florida

But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville

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(585): View more from New York

I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.

(1-585): View more from New York

You are so irish.

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(817): View more from Texas

The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.

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(816): View more from Missouri

we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring

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(727): View more from Florida

Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.

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(812): View more from Indiana

i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.

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(518): View more from New York

Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis

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(705): View more from Ontario

The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"

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(917): View more from New York City

M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.

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(+61): View more from Australia

Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.

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(760): View more from California

when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.

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(815): View more from Illinois

He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.

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(256): View more from Alabama

A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water

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(518): View more from New York

In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.

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(330): View more from Ohio

so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

(216): View more from Ohio

i hate you

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(905): View more from Toronto

so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

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(630): View more from Illinois

My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.

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(386): View more from Florida

after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

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(315): View more from New York

So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.

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