Texts From Last Night · asis's Favorites

Sorry aMFb hasn't picked any favorites yet.

asis's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(303): View more from Colorado

What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?

Fav 22 5441 1799
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills

(262): View more from Wisconsin

how else could I explain the last few years

Fav 7 4322 1376
share tweet

(256): View more from Alabama

i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

dude how high are you right now?

(256): View more from Alabama

do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.

Fav 41 12267 1779
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.

Fav 23 4859 1599
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan

Fav 20 8324 1966
share tweet
(805): View more from California

He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.

Fav 17 6290 1363
share tweet

(651): View more from Minnesota

I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country

Fav 9 5631 1237
share tweet

(530): View more from California

He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away

Fav 20 1498 6126
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls

Fav 13 7295 1421
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?

Fav 24 6777 1534
share tweet
(506): View more from New Brunswick

I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to

Fav 26 5835 1877
share tweet

(513): View more from Ohio

Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.

(1-513): View more from Ohio

Not having phil's child is good enough.

Fav 19 6717 1250
share tweet

(513): View more from Ohio

First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...

Fav 13 1418 6916
share tweet
(339): View more from Massachusetts

He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

And you didn't burst into flames?

Fav 14 5740 1492
share tweet

(908): View more from New Jersey

I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.

Fav 37 1421 9628
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

that would be two times in a week with two different guys.

(913): View more from Kansas

they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?

Fav 21 4458 1437
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool

(386): View more from Florida

It could be our claim to fame

(904): View more from Florida

Done. I'll pack a cooler.

Fav 10 3950 1203
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.

Fav 28 9589 1390
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.

Fav 30 9847 1348
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.

Fav 21 5851 2191
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.

Fav 14 6902 1392
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM

(909): View more from California

I'm scared to ask why.....

(509): View more from Washington

1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.

Fav 13 5184 1285
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.

Fav 33 13419 2006
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.

Fav 26 9529 1591
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one

Fav 12 4304 1798
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom

Fav 48 23095 1767
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life

Fav 13 4020 1460
share tweet
(530): View more from California

I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.

(1-530): View more from California

fuck. you.

Fav 54 12763 2275
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.

Fav 90 2152 13335
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.

Fav 33 2062 5171
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.

(402): View more from Nebraska

Update, its a couple

Fav 16 7076 1379
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

did he notice?

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..

Fav 83 2180 10532
share tweet
(660): View more from Missouri

Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?

Fav 7 5408 1369
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.

Fav 20 5570 1310
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America

Fav 20 4491 1250
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer

Fav 16 5913 1312
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.

Fav 11 5221 1740
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.

Fav 29 6851 1479
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston, we have a problem

(781): View more from Massachusetts

where are u?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.

Fav 44 15905 1914
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeeah thank god

(816): View more from Missouri

Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.

Fav 55 2544 16037
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

Fav 101 35342 4427
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.

Fav 28 17223 1868
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.

Fav 10 6956 1400
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place

Fav 30 13125 1907
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.

Fav 27 9370 1793
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.

Fav 4 6454 1344
share tweet
(559): View more from California

he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.

Fav 18 4956 1534
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.

Fav 44 10555 1568
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.

Fav 15 6287 1792
share tweet
(408): View more from California

They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.

Fav 21 8407 1736
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.

Fav 15 1570 4596
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.

Fav 20 2420 5841
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests

Fav 15 1265 3942
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint

Fav 15 4924 1273
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest

(248): View more from Michigan

If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does

Fav 10 7859 1511
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.

Fav 33 6480 2290
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill

Fav 148 3969 12928
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

the only muscles i have these days is kegels

Fav 13 4312 1333
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.

Fav 18 1550 4770
share tweet
(661): View more from California

He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.

Fav 23 8004 1463
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?

(952): View more from Minnesota

You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....

Fav 37 2541 8446
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up

Fav 20 2598 4897
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.

Fav 13 11341 1578
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number

Fav 20 6956 1435
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.

Fav 16 5416 1139
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

God wants them to get laid too.

Fav 59 8464 1869
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.

Fav 10 9630 1339
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.

Fav 16 5844 1877
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?

(1-734): View more from Michigan

How did the beer even get there in the first place?

(734): View more from Michigan

That's not what's important right now

Fav 30 3425 4242
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit

Fav 12 10081 1549
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife

Fav 67 8356 2639
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.

Fav 7 7964 1199
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace

Fav 11 1865 4803
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!

Fav 15 6597 1772
share tweet
(807): View more from Ontario

Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?

(1-807): View more from Ontario

Just flip the mattress, it erases all

(807): View more from Ontario

Done and done

Fav 100 3200 7982
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes

Fav 17 5836 1570
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...

Fav 263 2481 41248
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?

Fav 55 1231 6881
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.

Fav 5 2989 1002
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.

Fav 16 5921 1538
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.

Fav 33 12888 1844
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".

Fav 27 6516 1567
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Because ur a stupid bitch

(1-845): View more from New York

Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.

Fav 54 11923 1660
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.

Fav 23 5192 1211
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

Clothes are such an inconvenience.

Fav 22 8800 1373
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...

(708): View more from Illinois

I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....

Fav 20 5292 1422
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.

Fav 28 6095 1446
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"

Fav 20 1487 5932
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?

Fav 44 2752 6922
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.

Fav 79 2496 11511
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #

(816): View more from Missouri

ah tequila...

Fav 22 6614 1330
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.

Fav 26 8532 1713
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number

Fav 23 1249 6232
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.

Fav 15 1310 6880
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women

(319): View more from Iowa

I wish I had your problem

Fav 11 4924 1228
share tweet
(951): View more from California

I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal

Fav 23 10784 1454
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.

Fav 17 4950 1209
share tweet
(562): View more from California

just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.

Fav 28 5494 1769
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.

Fav 71 20509 2510
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.

Fav 36 7298 2838
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.

Fav 17 8382 1455
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!

Fav 14 7125 1657
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.

Fav 28 3079 12624
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

Or a large amount of condoms?!?

Fav 12 6741 1452
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final

Fav 18 10502 1288
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night

Fav 24 7064 2271
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"

Fav 41 15649 1618
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

you would not believe what I got pierced last night...

(540): View more from Virginia

son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.

Fav 61 2229 6762
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname

Fav 62 7813 1225
share tweet
(714): View more from California

so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)

(1-714): View more from California

i'm so jealous of you right now.

Fav 57 9383 1917
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.

Fav 15 6933 1462
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.

(303): View more from Colorado

and I must say, you were very persuasive

Fav 74 19052 1435
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.

Fav 18 8586 1682
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.

Fav 30 6132 1457
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.

Fav 23 12074 1396
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table

(1-256): View more from Alabama

whatd she say to you?

(256): View more from Alabama

no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle

Fav 60 2412 8794
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.

Fav 55 7729 1416
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys

Fav 17 6243 2745
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone

Fav 32 7424 1165
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.

Fav 13 4623 967
share tweet
(714): View more from California

I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?

(949): View more from California

I gave it to your brother to give to you.

Fav 57 14526 5762
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.

Fav 18 7543 2283
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.

Fav 9 6413 1133
share tweet
(974): View more from

You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.

Fav 28 8252 1200
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems

Fav 19 4741 1290
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.

Fav 29 15365 1482
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...

(1-513): View more from Ohio

God I fucking love America.

Fav 45 9497 1512
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.

Fav 55 3005 15630
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Reggie can tackle my bush.

Fav 32 4620 1445
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot

Fav 21 11329 1138
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.

Fav 32 11988 1710
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.

(571): View more from Virginia

define virginity.

Fav 17 6115 1895
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?

(1-812): View more from Indiana

You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?

Fav 15 7758 1301
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.

Fav 39 5838 1265
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?

(1-212): View more from New York

this is Aaron, hi

Fav 48 21449 2739
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

Then she called me a home wrecking whore.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.

Fav 15 6385 1511
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.

Fav 19 7768 1964
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

This kid is drunk.

(410): View more from Maryland

I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.

Fav 6 8346 1330
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.

Fav 16 8750 1374
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.

Fav 36 10178 1173
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail

Fav 9 5317 1561
share tweet
(936): View more from Texas

you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"

(1-936): View more from Texas

I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...

Fav 19 10539 1294
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...

(1-314): View more from Missouri

I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.

Fav 15 1415 5062
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants

Fav 14 14655 1482
share tweet
(971): View more from Oregon

the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?

Fav 38 6230 2039
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

(720): View more from Colorado

ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

(917): View more from New York City

no it doesn't.

Fav 34 19332 1853
share tweet
(858): View more from California

I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.

(619): View more from California

you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS

Fav 22 7107 1687
share tweet