Texts From Last Night · badgerworthy's Favorites

Sorry lmaoduh hasn't picked any favorites yet.

badgerworthy's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(315): View more from New York

i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake

Fav 9 3140 1070
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(1-949): View more from California

are you seriously doing this over text message

(949): View more from California

hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

Fav 355 8565 49742
share tweet

(516): View more from New York

How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?

Fav 22 1657 4240
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?

Fav 34 1763 5214
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck

Fav 20 3789 2097
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off

Fav 10 3785 1728
share tweet

(701): View more from North Dakota

Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.

Fav 6 1488 1162
share tweet

(940): View more from Texas

An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.

Fav 7 3701 1258
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

They were actually really boring considering how we met them.

(1-845): View more from New York

howd you meet them?

(845): View more from New York

They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.

Fav 18 4885 1268
share tweet
(408): View more from California

hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner

(1-408): View more from California

if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends

Fav 29 4970 1352
share tweet
(858): View more from California

we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.

Fav 7 1231 1800
share tweet

(773): View more from Illinois

Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.

(773): View more from Illinois

You spelled "worthless" wrong.

Fav 67 1952 9162
share tweet

(507): View more from Minnesota

So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.

Fav 58 1003 4079
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

Where the hell are you

(706): View more from Georgia

He's winning.

Fav 23 6117 1556
share tweet

(541): View more from Oregon

You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.

Fav 5 2982 1316
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..

Fav 3 4399 1460
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.

Fav 10 4254 1396
share tweet
(772): View more from Florida

I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.

Fav 26 1144 4102
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"

Fav 18 4311 1336
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.

(513): View more from Ohio

I stole a bike. Here's a pic

Fav 10 3774 1300
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out

Fav 42 11447 1728
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.

Fav 8 5220 1136
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.

Fav 6 2887 1079
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.

Fav 8 3659 1018
share tweet
(707): View more from California

We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.

Fav 9 1607 2606
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night

Fav 4 3051 1079
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"

Fav 18 6929 1478
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad

Fav 9 4305 1667
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"

Fav 17 9489 1645
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.

Fav 8 3436 1414
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar

Fav 12 8378 1439
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.

Fav 28 5163 1882
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.

Fav 15 8544 1480
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?

Fav 55 2507 7024
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.

(1-503): View more from Oregon

My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.

Fav 11 5331 1526
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?

Fav 34 1320 5197
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I just found a bag of teeth...

Fav 18 1625 5038
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

and now there are teeth marks on my dick.

Fav 17 1535 5935
share tweet
(626): View more from California

Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.

Fav 24 18757 1367
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.

Fav 36 22409 3677
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

Fav 120 28217 5130
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

Fav 87 26958 5266
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now

Fav 82 27581 2040
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

Fav 47 29987 1755
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina

Fav 93 28824 1492
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

Fav 80 32308 1628
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

Fav 180 38253 5878
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

Fav 117 48527 2764
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

Fav 207 53710 3599
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

Fav 154 67662 4391
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

Fav 298 76378 3427
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

Fav 202 82800 5241
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired

Fav 80 3110 36766
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.

Fav 111 2917 36823
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar

(219): View more from Indiana

I need you to use more vowels.

Fav 15 8717 1478
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button

Fav 50 9975 3496
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking

Fav 4 3416 1142
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.

Fav 11 4709 2081
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.

Fav 11 4196 2043
share tweet
(731): View more from Tennessee

Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!

Fav 7 4224 1525
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow

Fav 10 4391 1442
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon

(703): View more from Virginia

she was in a cheetah costume

Fav 13 4922 1284
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.

Fav 9 1987 4323
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.

Fav 30 9959 1580
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"

Fav 13 2211 4679
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.

Fav 13 1688 4856
share tweet
(408): View more from California

he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."

Fav 25 3955 6649
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.

Fav 12 3430 1266
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.

Fav 8 5254 2431
share tweet
(+03): View more from

Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'

Fav 14 6913 1764
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool

Fav 5 1241 2775
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"

Fav 7 3608 1226
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.

Fav 20 3741 1458
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.

Fav 9 6459 1538
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.

Fav 28 4754 1561
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.

Fav 17 4676 2378
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well

Fav 7 1408 3844
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume

(612): View more from Minnesota

we need ur ladder

Fav 19 7669 1364
share tweet
(252): View more from North Carolina

My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.

Fav 19 1514 3352
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.

Fav 10 10143 1539
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.

Fav 11 4116 2497
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"

Fav 5 5723 1384
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.

Fav 18 8003 1554
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.

Fav 12 1847 3997
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...

Fav 15 3909 1236
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.

Fav 17 1558 4528
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."

Fav 12 12056 1476
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch

Fav 7 7340 1399
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.

Fav 5 2891 1162
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate

Fav 14 1156 2762
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.

Fav 8 1167 4097
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"

Fav 12 6844 1489
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday

Fav 4 3469 1207
share tweet
(619): View more from California

im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.

Fav 9 5208 1214
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.

Fav 10 4264 2014
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club

Fav 8 5652 1407
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.

Fav 45 9488 3068
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.

Fav 7 8370 2526
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.

Fav 21 4826 1488
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping

Fav 21 5238 2126
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.

Fav 9 3423 1310
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.

Fav 7 4727 1229
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.

Fav 7 6554 1197
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop

Fav 13 7182 2001
share tweet
(936): View more from Texas

You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home

(254): View more from Texas

Challenge accepted.

Fav 8 6587 1290
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know

Fav 14 2204 3587
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.

Fav 18 3807 1326
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop

(213): View more from California

so that means christmas in space?

(781): View more from Massachusetts

imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi

Fav 14 7457 1643
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

It was just a squirrel

(253): View more from Washington

You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar

Fav 12 6167 1410
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.

Fav 25 2103 3529
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.

Fav 12 5237 2141
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.

Fav 14 3789 1308
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.

Fav 35 1941 9068
share tweet
(619): View more from California

found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.

Fav 15 3063 1691
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again

Fav 25 7024 1608
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.

Fav 12 6699 1235
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.

Fav 13 3700 1454
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.

Fav 12 1618 4890
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours

Fav 17 1311 3065
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall

Fav 4 4324 1725
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.

Fav 4 2297 1314
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.

Fav 17 1959 4104
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave

Fav 6 3549 1147
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?

Fav 7 3790 1366
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.

Fav 7 3617 1432
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.

Fav 50 2804 8240
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian

Fav 30 7268 3266
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.

Fav 12 1478 4325
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.

Fav 6 4283 1224
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!

(315): View more from New York

AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!

Fav 16 6373 1847
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal

Fav 11 5072 2380
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.

Fav 17 4586 1535
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....

Fav 5 5589 1284
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.

Fav 7 1784 3563
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers

Fav 17 9068 1496
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln

Fav 3 3823 1615
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!

Fav 10 3883 1325
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.

Fav 12 3945 1309
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets

Fav 17 5354 2021
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.

Fav 23 6414 1621
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning

Fav 9 3730 1356
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.

Fav 24 10561 1388
share tweet
(818): View more from California

i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...

(805): View more from California

i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"

Fav 22 7096 2088
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.

Fav 23 7731 1354
share tweet
(415): View more from California

apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window

Fav 9 4176 1289
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet

Fav 7 4931 1223
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard

Fav 12 5468 1375
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

You know i think she's just using me for sex

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

I hate you.

Fav 13 5836 1688
share tweet
(909): View more from California

He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.

Fav 19 2680 6311
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?

(1-513): View more from Ohio

how could i say no?

Fav 28 6865 2111
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.

Fav 34 15078 1927
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.

Fav 8 4756 2386
share tweet
(906): View more from Michigan

If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?

Fav 10 3358 1848
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!

Fav 15 5225 2127
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

My brain says no but my pants say off.

Fav 7 5487 1093
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.

Fav 13 6333 1898
share tweet
(416): View more from Ontario

dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross

(647): View more from Ontario

well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun

Fav 12 1172 3916
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness

Fav 32 2384 5081
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted

Fav 11 6145 3067
share tweet
(510): View more from California

Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

Fav 65 21684 2537
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor

(1-516): View more from New York

did you bang her?

(516): View more from New York

seriously?

Fav 25 2287 6763
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.

Fav 14 7445 1657
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again

Fav 68 13488 2854
share tweet
(805): View more from California

When do i get to see u next week?

(1-805): View more from California

When I teabag your entire family

Fav 12 1529 2801
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

(440): View more from Ohio

Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

(216): View more from Ohio

Holy shit r u serious? How?

(440): View more from Ohio

Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

Fav 156 7728 42053
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.

(352): View more from Florida

I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.

Fav 28 7719 1162
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."

Fav 44 17661 1751
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

there were a lot.

Fav 29 6853 1466
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt

Fav 25 12700 1830
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.

Fav 31 4236 1829
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"

Fav 28 7247 1801
share tweet
(786): View more from Florida

He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."

Fav 17 8040 1622
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

(216): View more from Ohio

i hate you

Fav 43 23540 2197
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

VAGINAS EVERYWHERE

(804): View more from Virginia

they're staring at me

Fav 6 2123 895
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."

Fav 34 5735 1708
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.

(1-519): View more from Ontario

You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.

Fav 12 10664 1694
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!

Fav 92 2559 5031
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.

Fav 68 12565 3324
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

and what did he say?

(614): View more from Ohio

there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.

Fav 51 13677 1686
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."

Fav 31 862 4696
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.

Fav 3 3194 934
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

what happened last night?

(917): View more from New York City

u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style

(718): View more from New York

that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left

Fav 39 14862 1536
share tweet
(949): View more from California

the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach

(1-949): View more from California

um or while having sex on a train

Fav 28 2586 702
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

it's a girl!!

(614): View more from Ohio

That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years

Fav 30 6915 1769
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick

Fav 18 2193 5917
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter

Fav 36 2354 6047
share tweet