Texts From Last Night · badonk25's Favorites

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(317): View more from Indiana

TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.

(415): View more from California

I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration

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(760): View more from California

Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.

(432): View more from Texas

You're so wise.

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(404): View more from Georgia

After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"

(404): View more from Georgia

I come from her. Holy hell.

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(309): View more from Illinois

well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.

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(863): View more from Florida

I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!

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(310): View more from California

Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.

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(209): View more from California

I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.

(209): View more from California

Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."

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(805): View more from California

We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"

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(818): View more from California

I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.

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(334): View more from Alabama

We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that

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(214): View more from Texas

Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.

(1-214): View more from Texas

I love you.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine

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(303): View more from Colorado

He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.

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(616): View more from Michigan

I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!

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(806): View more from Texas

You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.

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(904): View more from Florida

I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth

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(847): View more from Illinois

Did you fuck him in my garden last night?

(1-847): View more from Illinois

That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina

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(803): View more from South Carolina

She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"

(864): View more from South Carolina

Olive Garden will never be the same.

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(512): View more from Texas

You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.

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(571): View more from Virginia

Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"

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(416): View more from Toronto

He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

he told me it was like eating gods vagina.

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(941): View more from Florida

He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good

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(807): View more from Ontario

It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.

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(519): View more from Ontario

All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.

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(303): View more from Colorado

If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina

(401): View more from Rhode Island

I told you those kegels would come in handy one day

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.

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(845): View more from New York

He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny

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(732): View more from New Jersey

FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY

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(707): View more from California

I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head

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(256): View more from Alabama

I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them

(256): View more from Alabama

FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT

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(708): View more from Illinois

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????

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(813): View more from Florida

If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.

(480): View more from Arizona

I told you I would

(931): View more from Tennessee

I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend

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(972): View more from Texas

I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.

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(705): View more from Ontario

Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?

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(440): View more from Ohio

That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"

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(905): View more from Ontario

His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.

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(313): View more from Michigan

When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.

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(718): View more from New York

he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty

(917): View more from New York City

smooth operator

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.

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(801): View more from Utah

He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.

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(208): View more from Idaho

I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.

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(626): View more from California

We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"

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(360): View more from Washington

Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.

(360): View more from Washington

It was me.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?

(1-419): View more from Ohio

Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.

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(219): View more from Indiana

I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.

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(406): View more from Montana

All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"

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(810): View more from Michigan

Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable

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(406): View more from Montana

I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina

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(757): View more from Virginia

I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.

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(951): View more from California

Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries

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(513): View more from Ohio

sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.

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(845): View more from New York

You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"

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(402): View more from Nebraska

She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here

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(254): View more from Texas

He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina

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(260): View more from Indiana

Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.

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(775): View more from Nevada

The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"

(1-775): View more from Nevada

At least you got your shooes

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(425): View more from Washington

What goes on in that head of yours?

(206): View more from Washington

Gay sex, for the most part. Why?

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.

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(847): View more from Illinois

When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."

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(620): View more from Kansas

Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?

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(816): View more from Missouri

My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles

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(626): View more from California

Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?

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(757): View more from Virginia

I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.

(734): View more from Michigan

I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"

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(301): View more from Maryland

His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.

(1-301): View more from Maryland

I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.

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(407): View more from Florida

I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens

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(516): View more from New York

the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.

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(646): View more from New York

This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie

(347): View more from New York

It's not

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(719): View more from Colorado

I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.

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(949): View more from California

You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"

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(706): View more from Georgia

He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

That's thinking positively..

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina

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(850): View more from Florida

He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??

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(212): View more from New York

You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?

(475): View more from Connecticut

Yeah?

(212): View more from New York

Stuck it in his pooper.

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(847): View more from Illinois

He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night

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(425): View more from Washington

the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.

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(703): View more from Virginia

He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.

(1-703): View more from Virginia

Wasn't he an English major?

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Haha, bad night?

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(317): View more from Indiana

Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.

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(440): View more from Ohio

he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.

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(805): View more from California

Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke

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(757): View more from Virginia

Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm

(1-757): View more from Virginia

Dick in a box?

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(218): View more from Minnesota

No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.

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(707): View more from California

Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.

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(831): View more from California

yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd

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(631): View more from New York

So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone

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(630): View more from Illinois

i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.

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(407): View more from Florida

I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much

(352): View more from Florida

Like they're going to fly away?

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(514): View more from Quebec

Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?

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(714): View more from California

Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.

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(850): View more from Florida

come over anyways, right now, right this second

(850): View more from Florida

it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying

(561): View more from Florida

wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation

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(303): View more from Colorado

I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.

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(509): View more from Washington

Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom

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(807): View more from Ontario

If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.

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(404): View more from Georgia

The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.

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(216): View more from Ohio

I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"

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(517): View more from Michigan

These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.

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(845): View more from New York

so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....

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(408): View more from California

He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.

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(519): View more from Ontario

she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems

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(801): View more from Utah

No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything

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(970): View more from Colorado

No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce

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(256): View more from Alabama

Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.

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(818): View more from California

Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks

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(425): View more from Washington

Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?

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(847): View more from Illinois

well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.

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(520): View more from Arizona

hahaha! you have a girlfriend

(1-520): View more from Arizona

tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...

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(903): View more from Texas

Your vagain smells worse when im sober.

(903): View more from Texas

sorry, worng number

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(831): View more from California

She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs

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(631): View more from New York

yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower

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(248): View more from Michigan

Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension

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(604): View more from British Columbia

i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.

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(587): View more from Alberta

Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.

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(714): View more from California

You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.

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(248): View more from Michigan

For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought

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(607): View more from New York

I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"

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(406): View more from Montana

She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.

(409): View more from Texas

That was definitely the right answer.

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(773): View more from Illinois

i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.

(773): View more from Illinois

SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person

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(217): View more from Illinois

You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.

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(404): View more from Georgia

He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.

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(305): View more from Florida

nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs

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(386): View more from Florida

I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.

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(925): View more from California

You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks

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(972): View more from Texas

Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.

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(904): View more from Florida

he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.

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(903): View more from Texas

Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.

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(530): View more from California

Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking

(530): View more from California

That could use a little rephrasing

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(630): View more from Illinois

i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"

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(713): View more from Texas

You think ghandi was good in the sack? cuz i sure do.

(925): View more from California

I'm not gay.

(713): View more from Texas

Soooo you want ghandi? is that what your telling me?

(925): View more from California

If ghandi gives good head...I'm in

(713): View more from Texas

Its fine.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.

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(214): View more from Texas

If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.

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(718): View more from New York

I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Umm..who the fuck is this?

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Oh shit

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Well... this vagina won't eat itself

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina

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(847): View more from Illinois

He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"

(575): View more from New Mexico

Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.

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(705): View more from Ontario

Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.

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(818): View more from California

I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.

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(404): View more from Georgia

she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I'm so horny!

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm so hungry

(508): View more from Massachusetts

WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!

(781): View more from Massachusetts

For your pussy...

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(518): View more from New York

I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.

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(319): View more from Iowa

you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met

(1-319): View more from Iowa

thanks it was an honor just to be nominated

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(503): View more from Oregon

I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.

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(519): View more from Ontario

It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.

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(207): View more from Maine

There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.

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(214): View more from Texas

I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.

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(786): View more from Florida

you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.

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(903): View more from Texas

So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat

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(719): View more from Colorado

If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men

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(206): View more from Washington

Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.

(1-206): View more from Washington

Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?

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(575): View more from New Mexico

I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country

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(937): View more from Ohio

Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.

(937): View more from Ohio

He had some in his pocket. That was weird.

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(818): View more from California

Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place

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(210): View more from Texas

Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.

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(905): View more from Toronto

Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me

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(501): View more from Arkansas

so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....

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(661): View more from California

He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!

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(512): View more from Texas

her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"

(1-512): View more from Texas

you motherfucker

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(310): View more from California

I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one

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(301): View more from Maryland

Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.

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(770): View more from Georgia

If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?

(910): View more from North Carolina

That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?

(770): View more from Georgia

Touche.

(910): View more from North Carolina

I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.

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(206): View more from Washington

Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.

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(217): View more from Illinois

i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

did he notice?

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..

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(419): View more from Ohio

She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye

(319): View more from Iowa

Wasn't she moving abroad?

(419): View more from Ohio

Are you really going to debate this?

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(778): View more from British Columbia

This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.

(604): View more from British Columbia

I DIDNT GET FINGERED

(604): View more from British Columbia

I was rubbed

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(740): View more from Ohio

I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.

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(305): View more from Florida

i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot

(1-305): View more from Florida

lets call myth busters

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS

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(305): View more from Florida

Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.

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(361): View more from Texas

I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.

(1-361): View more from Texas

Def the best call fo sho

(361): View more from Texas

That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.

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(914): View more from New York

i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"

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(860): View more from Connecticut

my vagina's been through so much this weekend

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.

(612): View more from Minnesota

I wish i was spraying into your jaw.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes

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(909): View more from California

It's Friday. Sex?

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(910): View more from North Carolina

All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...

(910): View more from North Carolina

It's inspiring.

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(905): View more from Toronto

it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors

(1-905): View more from Toronto

american apparel?

(905): View more from Toronto

try lime green

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(206): View more from Washington

Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."

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(240): View more from Maryland

I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex

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(727): View more from Florida

Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...

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(503): View more from Oregon

College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.

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(515): View more from Iowa

John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.

(1-515): View more from Iowa

As in blowjob or cannibalism?

(515): View more from Iowa

I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.

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(765): View more from Indiana

He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...

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(989): View more from Michigan

i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.

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(719): View more from Colorado

physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone

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(601): View more from Mississippi

It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.

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(636): View more from Missouri

You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.

(847): View more from Illinois

What did I say?

(636): View more from Missouri

Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,

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(503): View more from Oregon

i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.

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(585): View more from New York

So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.

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(940): View more from Texas

nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.

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(734): View more from Michigan

So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.

(810): View more from Michigan

You're 20.

(734): View more from Michigan

IT'S BUILD A BEAR!

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.

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(240): View more from Maryland

There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.

(443): View more from Maryland

So glad I found your sister.

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(618): View more from Illinois

lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...

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(252): View more from North Carolina

after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?

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(207): View more from Maine

He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.

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(541): View more from Oregon

You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.

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(408): View more from California

Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.

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(714): View more from California

so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)

(1-714): View more from California

i'm so jealous of you right now.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?

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(816): View more from Missouri

He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.

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(404): View more from Georgia

three words: i give head

(770): View more from Georgia

three words: not that well

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(714): View more from California

I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.

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(630): View more from Illinois

why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?

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(317): View more from Indiana

she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.

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(714): View more from California

thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.

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(630): View more from Illinois

between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before

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(315): View more from New York

she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.

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(913): View more from Kansas

My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.

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(302): View more from Delaware

you goin out tonight?

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

who is this.

(302): View more from Delaware

your orgasm for tonight

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."

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(336): View more from North Carolina

christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms

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(856): View more from New Jersey

My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass

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(352): View more from Florida

I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.

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(303): View more from Colorado

New channing tatum movie.

(858): View more from California

I'll bring my vibrator.

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(310): View more from California

u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?

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(406): View more from Montana

my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina

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(810): View more from Michigan

There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You guys are open that late?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters

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(562): View more from California

she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.

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(205): View more from Alabama

i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!

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(586): View more from Michigan

I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'

(586): View more from Michigan

I thought that was really considerate

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(614): View more from Ohio

I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.

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(323): View more from California

question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line

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(650): View more from California

we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA

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(704): View more from North Carolina

you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...

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(801): View more from Utah

Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.

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(917): View more from New York City

And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.

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(925): View more from California

I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't

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(225): View more from Louisiana

were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever

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(313): View more from Michigan

Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?

(1-404): View more from Georgia

did you answer or finish?

(404): View more from Georgia

both

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(620): View more from Kansas

Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.

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(718): View more from New York

My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.

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(443): View more from Maryland

His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.

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(+36): View more from

until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.

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(815): View more from Illinois

He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized

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(302): View more from Delaware

I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids

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(770): View more from Georgia

I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?

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(805): View more from California

He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.

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(407): View more from Florida

And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."

(407): View more from Florida

That's called being sensitive.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!

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(917): View more from New York City

I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.

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(518): View more from New York

She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her

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(402): View more from Nebraska

so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

Shut up. I did not.

(918): View more from Oklahoma

I really wish I was making that up.

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(858): View more from California

Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch

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(214): View more from Texas

Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.

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(408): View more from California

you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face

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(201): View more from New Jersey

As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere

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(417): View more from Missouri

p.s. you have a small clit

(1-417): View more from Missouri

YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Four. Poor grandma...

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(517): View more from Michigan

just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!

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(716): View more from New York

Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.

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(214): View more from Texas

A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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(541): View more from Oregon

This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.

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(630): View more from Illinois

We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on

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(304): View more from West Virginia

It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator

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(801): View more from Utah

so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night

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(678): View more from Georgia

I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...

(404): View more from Georgia

I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.

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(703): View more from Virginia

My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?

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(440): View more from Ohio

omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.

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(925): View more from California

I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate

(401): View more from Rhode Island

Well how do you think I feel

(860): View more from Connecticut

fair enough

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.

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(720): View more from Colorado

You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.

(208): View more from Idaho

ha well at least you have goals.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall

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(614): View more from Ohio

she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.

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(802): View more from Vermont

It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex

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(303): View more from Colorado

do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?

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(419): View more from Ohio

laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.

(763): View more from Minnesota

ew wtf

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center

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(602): View more from Arizona

Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa

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(908): View more from New Jersey

We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"

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(505): View more from New Mexico

TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES

(1-505): View more from New Mexico

This is going everywhere on the internet.

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(515): View more from Iowa

i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.

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(713): View more from Texas

Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".

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(647): View more from Ontario

A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".

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(856): View more from New Jersey

There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.

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(813): View more from Florida

I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?

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(734): View more from Michigan

Wish you were here....

(734): View more from Michigan

And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?

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(720): View more from Colorado

yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers

(1-720): View more from Colorado

eat her like coffee?

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(636): View more from Missouri

He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.

(314): View more from Missouri

That was the greatest thing i have ever read.

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(480): View more from Arizona

she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.

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(206): View more from Washington

I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole

(425): View more from Washington

There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian

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(404): View more from Georgia

Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.

(1-404): View more from Georgia

Two?

(404): View more from Georgia

Two.

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(516): View more from New York

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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(219): View more from Indiana

rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

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(909): View more from California

I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?

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(636): View more from Missouri

It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.

(314): View more from Missouri

Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.

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(925): View more from California

we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself

(707): View more from California

dude you teach first grade wtf

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(949): View more from California

Getting food. Want anything?

(1-949): View more from California

Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

Am I supposed to find that romantic?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.

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(425): View more from Washington

i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like

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(650): View more from California

I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"

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(956): View more from Texas

He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...

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(203): View more from Connecticut

my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.

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(760): View more from California

all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.

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(707): View more from California

And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?

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(801): View more from Utah

Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.

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(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny

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(810): View more from Michigan

I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Totally get that.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.

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(434): View more from Virginia

It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.

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(850): View more from Florida

that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.

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(416): View more from Ontario

Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.

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(940): View more from Texas

That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone

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(916): View more from California

you want your laptop back?

(1-916): View more from California

are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?

(916): View more from California

both.

(1-916): View more from California

come over.

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(301): View more from Maryland

the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"

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(662): View more from Mississippi

this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here

(601): View more from Mississippi

on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue

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(208): View more from Idaho

I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.

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(941): View more from Florida

Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?

(1-941): View more from Florida

Wow! You need to get laid.

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(360): View more from Washington

if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked

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(217): View more from Illinois

the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office

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(817): View more from Texas

Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though

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(480): View more from Arizona

We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice

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(480): View more from Arizona

This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck

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(407): View more from Florida

I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown

(303): View more from Colorado

I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.

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(586): View more from Michigan

I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I stuck it in and pulled it out

(1-678): View more from Georgia

Did she like it?

(678): View more from Georgia

She giggled?

(1-678): View more from Georgia

She liked it

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob

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(916): View more from California

So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?

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(914): View more from New York

i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"

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(704): View more from North Carolina

He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.

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(360): View more from Washington

i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical

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(732): View more from New Jersey

wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable

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(505): View more from New Mexico

He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.

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(817): View more from Texas

They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.

(214): View more from Texas

Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.

(817): View more from Texas

You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.

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(917): View more from New York City

She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.

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(425): View more from Washington

i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.

(1-301): View more from Maryland

I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.

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(914): View more from New York

Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.

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(905): View more from Ontario

"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"

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(415): View more from California

This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations

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(240): View more from Maryland

This kid is drunk.

(410): View more from Maryland

I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview

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(716): View more from New York

You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.

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(813): View more from Florida

We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

i just like, need to vent to someone

(919): View more from North Carolina

Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Whatever you gave me is making me lactate

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(360): View more from Washington

Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'

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(360): View more from Washington

i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man

(206): View more from Washington

?

(360): View more from Washington

he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!

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(360): View more from Washington

I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...

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(360): View more from Washington

I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.

(1-360): View more from Washington

That changes everything.

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(847): View more from Illinois

just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'

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(805): View more from California

why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??

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(301): View more from Maryland

I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg

(1-613): View more from Ontario

so what did you do?

(613): View more from Ontario

I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!

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(516): View more from New York

I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads

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(315): View more from New York

I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.

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(914): View more from New York

Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.

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(830): View more from Texas

I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter

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(757): View more from Virginia

You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.

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(510): View more from California

he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.

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(314): View more from Missouri

At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?

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(225): View more from Louisiana

we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table

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(806): View more from Texas

Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.

(1-806): View more from Texas

Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.

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(765): View more from Indiana

You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.

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(518): View more from New York

Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!

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(916): View more from California

He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics

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(937): View more from Ohio

The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b

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(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk

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(210): View more from Texas

Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick

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(913): View more from Kansas

"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.

(1-202): View more from Washington, DC

I mean not really

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.

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(516): View more from New York

he has the hands of the vagina gods.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.

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(972): View more from Texas

Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world

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(519): View more from Ontario

Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.

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(434): View more from Virginia

KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.

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(618): View more from Illinois

She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.

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(646): View more from New York

Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.

(1-646): View more from New York

what. the. fuck.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk

(678): View more from Georgia

discrete masterbation is a lost art

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(650): View more from California

Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp

(1-650): View more from California

i loe djcudia fjxos rue.

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(206): View more from Washington

I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table

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(419): View more from Ohio

I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"

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(305): View more from Florida

I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".

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(716): View more from New York

fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans

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(719): View more from Colorado

so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.

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(407): View more from Florida

Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"

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(630): View more from Illinois

last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?

(1-847): View more from Illinois

It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo

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(330): View more from Ohio

and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?

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(302): View more from Delaware

He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".

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(443): View more from Maryland

she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.

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(248): View more from Michigan

she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear

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(760): View more from California

The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside

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(702): View more from Nevada

I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

True on all accounts.

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(707): View more from California

Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms

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(519): View more from Ontario

He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.

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(425): View more from Washington

Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?

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(416): View more from Ontario

I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas

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(361): View more from Texas

Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.

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(518): View more from New York

and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card

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(818): View more from California

She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?

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(360): View more from Washington

You know you think of me naked too

(210): View more from Texas

Not since I found Jesus

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick

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(810): View more from Michigan

RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?

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(407): View more from Florida

You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.

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(773): View more from Illinois

NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.

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(210): View more from Texas

She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"

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(315): View more from New York

some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god

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(905): View more from Ontario

It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on

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(519): View more from Ontario

On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?

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(716): View more from New York

she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper

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(802): View more from Vermont

his penis is PERFECT

(802): View more from Vermont

I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm

(802): View more from Vermont

or knit it little hat

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(816): View more from Missouri

Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.

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(310): View more from California

Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.

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(813): View more from Florida

Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.

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(586): View more from Michigan

on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"

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(720): View more from Colorado

Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you

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(+44): View more from England

mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.

(+44): View more from England

"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"

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(701): View more from North Dakota

she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.

(719): View more from Colorado

she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.

(414): View more from Wisconsin

are you serious?

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(212): View more from New York

I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.

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(770): View more from Georgia

She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers

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(416): View more from Ontario

So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.

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(360): View more from Washington

Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.

(1-360): View more from Washington

You win. Erica always eats cat food.

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(517): View more from Michigan

well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.

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(415): View more from California

no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner

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(619): View more from California

Be still, my beating vagina.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out

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(425): View more from Washington

She's clinging to me like a horny koala.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.

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(313): View more from Michigan

So its not gay if you have sex with another woman and its academic

(1-313): View more from Michigan

so what if I'm having sex with a woman for recreation?

(313): View more from Michigan

Thats gay

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(706): View more from Georgia

Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

No

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(443): View more from Maryland

His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake

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(304): View more from West Virginia

my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??

(713): View more from Texas

Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"

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(514): View more from Quebec

i'm home, then i'll come over

(1-514): View more from Quebec

ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa

(514): View more from Quebec

nvm.

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(619): View more from California

Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?

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(302): View more from Delaware

you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.

(1-302): View more from Delaware

he's 29.

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(519): View more from Ontario

i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep

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(614): View more from Ohio

I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

I'm not sure what to say to that.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it

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(248): View more from Michigan

I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.

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(619): View more from California

Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck

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(972): View more from Texas

I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.

(214): View more from Texas

Does it taste like semen?

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(914): View more from New York

Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk

(1-914): View more from New York

It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you

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(817): View more from Texas

Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.

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(937): View more from Ohio

bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome

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(607): View more from New York

How was dinner with ur grandparents?

(1-607): View more from New York

I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."

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(910): View more from North Carolina

i should start naming my morning wood

(201): View more from New Jersey

great idea but wrong number

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(310): View more from California

His dick was poking my bladder. That big...

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(973): View more from New Jersey

He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could

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(647): View more from Ontario

The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.

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(281): View more from Texas

Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.

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(510): View more from California

I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk

(415): View more from California

yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts

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(803): View more from South Carolina

It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.

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(407): View more from Florida

I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.

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(206): View more from Washington

I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.

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(330): View more from Ohio

We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob

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(713): View more from Texas

How bad was it?

(1-713): View more from Texas

You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth

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(503): View more from Oregon

Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose

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(509): View more from Washington

Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.

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(714): View more from California

He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.

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(513): View more from Ohio

i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.

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(443): View more from Maryland

you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor

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(361): View more from Texas

is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?

(702): View more from Nevada

not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning

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(972): View more from Texas

You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you

(580): View more from Oklahoma

Really.

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(315): View more from New York

my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...

(716): View more from New York

what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

self-loathing.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava

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(716): View more from New York

You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

did you fuck him yet?

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?

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(956): View more from Texas

If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?

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(989): View more from Michigan

there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere

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(773): View more from Illinois

You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.

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(207): View more from Maine

using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.

(706): View more from Georgia

Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.

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(858): View more from California

I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.

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(206): View more from Washington

Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."

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(510): View more from California

You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?

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(917): View more from New York City

She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?

(646): View more from New York

Lmao what?

(917): View more from New York City

It's a yes or no question.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton

(781): View more from Massachusetts

then i met college

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?

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(678): View more from Georgia

Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.

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(310): View more from California

someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?

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(415): View more from California

Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.

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(408): View more from California

She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...

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(443): View more from Maryland

i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?

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(503): View more from Oregon

He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.

(1-503): View more from Oregon

Marry him

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(440): View more from Ohio

he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.

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(571): View more from Virginia

non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Hopefully she would park on my face.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?

(1-702): View more from Nevada

You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I don't get it.

(501): View more from Arkansas

Me neither.

(501): View more from Arkansas

But I masturbated to it anyway.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

so you masturbated because Oprah told you?

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(504): View more from Louisiana

He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?

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(914): View more from New York

I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...

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(304): View more from West Virginia

remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?

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(970): View more from Colorado

Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.

(970): View more from Colorado

Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.

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(903): View more from Texas

He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...

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(409): View more from Texas

so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister

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(613): View more from Ontario

he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.

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(772): View more from Florida

You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.

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(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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(310): View more from California

my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.

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(510): View more from California

i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me

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(713): View more from Texas

woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night

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(407): View more from Florida

Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.

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(586): View more from Michigan

One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.

(586): View more from Michigan

She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.

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(623): View more from Arizona

Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.

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(415): View more from California

i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.

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(928): View more from Arizona

He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.

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(314): View more from Missouri

he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.

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(407): View more from Florida

I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"

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(937): View more from Ohio

There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..

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(908): View more from New Jersey

How wet are you?

(1-908): View more from New Jersey

Ever heard of a U-boat?

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible

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(714): View more from California

I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?

(949): View more from California

I gave it to your brother to give to you.

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(949): View more from California

I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You love popeyes more than me

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

this is a time for prayers...seriously

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.

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(720): View more from Colorado

the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis

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(925): View more from California

I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

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(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.

(201): View more from New Jersey

Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.

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(646): View more from New York

Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i just stepped in cum. i hate you.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Thats what happens when you don't swallow.

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(727): View more from Florida

Semen is not good for contacts.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.

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