Texts From Last Night · corncob114's Favorites

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corncob114's Favorites Texts:

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(619): View more from California

Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be

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(510): View more from California

Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"

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(240): View more from Maryland

When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.

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(510): View more from California

I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.

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(386): View more from Florida

its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.

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(954): View more from Florida

Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months

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(317): View more from Indiana

disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell

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(917): View more from New York City

On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests

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(330): View more from Ohio

I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.

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(216): View more from Ohio

This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.

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(619): View more from California

My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake

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(305): View more from Florida

We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well

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(517): View more from Michigan

hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?

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(302): View more from Delaware

He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".

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(228): View more from Mississippi

thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"

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(513): View more from Ohio

New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.

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(616): View more from Michigan

what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?

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(818): View more from California

Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.

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(845): View more from New York

you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage

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(330): View more from Ohio

i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.

(614): View more from Ohio

My vagina agrees.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one

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(406): View more from Montana

To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.

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(847): View more from Illinois

i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink

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(716): View more from New York

I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.

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(415): View more from California

I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?

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(510): View more from California

I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.

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(518): View more from New York

I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.

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(503): View more from Oregon

gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb

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(650): View more from California

OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...

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(205): View more from Alabama

Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.

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(416): View more from Toronto

He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers

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(404): View more from Georgia

Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby

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(636): View more from Missouri

It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious

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(734): View more from Michigan

THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?

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(810): View more from Michigan

GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...

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(514): View more from Quebec

What happened to chicks over dicks?

(1-514): View more from Quebec

That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..

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(518): View more from New York

bad decision saturdays are such a good decision

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(206): View more from Washington

It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!

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(661): View more from California

I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had

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(816): View more from Missouri

He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.

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(219): View more from Indiana

I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...

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(636): View more from Missouri

Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street

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(312): View more from Illinois

Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday

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(740): View more from Ohio

well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."

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(518): View more from New York

Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis

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(949): View more from California

is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??

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(949): View more from California

i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day

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(314): View more from Missouri

For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex

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(516): View more from New York

Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.

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(206): View more from Washington

I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

this is a time for prayers...seriously

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.

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(703): View more from Virginia

relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks

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(512): View more from Texas

We need a plan...

(1-512): View more from Texas

Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?

(1-630): View more from Illinois

Are you high?

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(701): View more from North Dakota

how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?

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(718): View more from New York

I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.

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(818): View more from California

I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.

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(914): View more from New York

shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness

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(662): View more from Mississippi

It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.

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(619): View more from California

I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.

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(404): View more from Georgia

My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night

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(510): View more from California

I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

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(303): View more from Colorado

and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster

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(917): View more from New York City

I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant

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(207): View more from Maine

Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.

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(352): View more from Florida

Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.

(352): View more from Florida

And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.

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(561): View more from Florida

Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...

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(970): View more from Colorado

I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.

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(254): View more from Texas

it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them

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(912): View more from Georgia

I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.

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(216): View more from Ohio

I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.

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(515): View more from Iowa

theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass

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(604): View more from British Columbia

when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me

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(518): View more from New York

its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.

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(813): View more from Florida

She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.

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(817): View more from Texas

You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go

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(803): View more from South Carolina

It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.

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(425): View more from Washington

her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could

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(847): View more from Illinois

Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.

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(712): View more from Iowa

Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.

(714): View more from California

Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."

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(908): View more from New Jersey

there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time

(732): View more from New Jersey

no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.

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(714): View more from California

when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow

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(817): View more from Texas

This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"

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(913): View more from Kansas

just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.

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(360): View more from Washington

It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.

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(315): View more from New York

My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...

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(408): View more from California

He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.

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(817): View more from Texas

HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom

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(269): View more from Michigan

He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.

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corncob114's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

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