Texts From Last Night · lanng2403's Favorites

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(231): View more from Michigan

I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up

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(434): View more from Virginia

I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement

(1-434): View more from Virginia

Dude you were ten when he graduated

(434): View more from Virginia

Wahoowaaaaaaa

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(775): View more from Nevada

I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?

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(207): View more from Maine

I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.

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(518): View more from New York

he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!

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(440): View more from Ohio

all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.

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(801): View more from Utah

You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.

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(574): View more from Indiana

No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you

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(619): View more from California

Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.

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(+32): View more from Belgium

You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...

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(512): View more from Texas

I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.

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(404): View more from Georgia

This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"

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(240): View more from Maryland

the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?

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(516): View more from New York

I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book

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(956): View more from Texas

You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"

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(815): View more from Illinois

I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!

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(518): View more from New York

I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.

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(807): View more from Ontario

It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.

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(772): View more from Florida

Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa

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(312): View more from Illinois

Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem

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(615): View more from Tennessee

drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.

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(925): View more from California

I hope this adventure ends at a hospital

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.

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(805): View more from California

WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH

(1-805): View more from California

budget cuts

(805): View more from California

YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS

(1-805): View more from California

budget cuts are serious business

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(469): View more from Texas

You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels

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(303): View more from Colorado

The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"

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(218): View more from Minnesota

If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.

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(831): View more from California

I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool

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(240): View more from Maryland

When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"

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(817): View more from Texas

I really wanna talk..

(1-817): View more from Texas

if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem

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(630): View more from Illinois

I wonder if you can snort coke upside down

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(757): View more from Virginia

We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

Are you high right now?

(1-228): View more from Mississippi

is that a question or a drake reference?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.

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(514): View more from Quebec

He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why

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(908): View more from New Jersey

No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me

(1-313): View more from Michigan

restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch

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(301): View more from Maryland

Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?

(443): View more from Maryland

We using my standards or yours?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.

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(602): View more from Arizona

You can't motorboat a personality

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(469): View more from Texas

Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area

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(810): View more from Michigan

Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time

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(509): View more from Washington

I want to make a zoo with you.

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(847): View more from Illinois

i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless

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(440): View more from Ohio

pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.

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(541): View more from Oregon

You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"

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(410): View more from Maryland

I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.

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(906): View more from Michigan

Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?

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(317): View more from Indiana

she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope

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(732): View more from New Jersey

please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty

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(607): View more from New York

since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry

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(540): View more from Virginia

Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.

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(316): View more from Kansas

I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.

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(650): View more from California

i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"

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(613): View more from Ontario

Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.

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(773): View more from Illinois

apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.

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(917): View more from New York City

Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman

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(225): View more from Louisiana

thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money

(813): View more from Florida

sounds like you understand them just fine

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(917): View more from New York City

your thong is hanging out like whoa

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(404): View more from Georgia

I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.

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(914): View more from New York

she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

You can't wash away shame.

(1-781): View more from Massachusetts

I can try.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.

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(519): View more from Ontario

was it more than 30 minutes?

(416): View more from Ontario

ya

(519): View more from Ontario

then you're in a relationship

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(201): View more from New Jersey

he confused my yawn for an orgasm

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.

(1-859): View more from Kentucky

Well... I doubt that.

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(440): View more from Ohio

if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life

(619): View more from California

with a huge shlong

(440): View more from Ohio

massive. i wanna make bitches cry

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(347): View more from New York

we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy

(203): View more from Connecticut

go home

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(513): View more from Ohio

I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.

(419): View more from Ohio

I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.

(515): View more from Iowa

I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.

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(703): View more from Virginia

We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.

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(248): View more from Michigan

She was lying the whole time!

(310): View more from California

She was a great actress

(248): View more from Michigan

I was a great dumbass

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(301): View more from Maryland

I want to kish your cheek

(248): View more from Michigan

My cheeks are in Michigan

(301): View more from Maryland

Oh my lips are kind of stretchy

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(512): View more from Texas

I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I booty called her while she was in labor.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

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(509): View more from Washington

My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?

(541): View more from Oregon

It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.

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(619): View more from California

We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.

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(317): View more from Indiana

it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely

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(636): View more from Missouri

It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.

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(214): View more from Texas

If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING

(617): View more from Massachusetts

you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.

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(912): View more from Georgia

Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.

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(206): View more from Washington

This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.

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(248): View more from Michigan

i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech

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(330): View more from Ohio

what are you wearing?

(703): View more from Virginia

Just my guilt

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(415): View more from California

She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.

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(519): View more from Ontario

What color are my eyes?

(1-519): View more from Ontario

Ummmm... 34 C?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.

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(904): View more from Florida

way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...

(1-904): View more from Florida

I saved lives by not driving this morning

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(402): View more from Nebraska

She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.

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(810): View more from Michigan

My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.

(1-810): View more from Michigan

either way. win, win.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I want you more than these girls want KFC

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(845): View more from New York

Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Chicken burrito, or no deal.

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

Is that code for my vagina?

(402): View more from Nebraska

Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito

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(586): View more from Michigan

I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now

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(936): View more from Texas

You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home

(254): View more from Texas

Challenge accepted.

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(386): View more from Florida

it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.

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(309): View more from Illinois

remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm drunk

(615): View more from Tennessee

Is that why you're texting me

(405): View more from Oklahoma

Yes

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(417): View more from Missouri

I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.

(1-417): View more from Missouri

That's because you are an idiot.

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(863): View more from Florida

There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.

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(678): View more from Georgia

What are you drinking?

(404): View more from Georgia

Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL

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(313): View more from Michigan

sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm

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(937): View more from Ohio

there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts

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(253): View more from Washington

dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool

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(540): View more from Virginia

i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you

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(714): View more from California

we're chasing vodka with high fives

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(415): View more from California

I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.

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(847): View more from Illinois

tweet Hawks Win!! tweet

(847): View more from Illinois

That's how twitter works, right?

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(443): View more from Maryland

Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.

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(602): View more from Arizona

but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways

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(253): View more from Washington

Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt

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(678): View more from Georgia

so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.

(601): View more from Mississippi

Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly

(901): View more from Tennessee

...are you coming on to me?

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(760): View more from California

i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them

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(224): View more from Illinois

You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.

(630): View more from Illinois

Thats like the definition of a good friend

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(847): View more from Illinois

You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.

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(816): View more from Missouri

He is an equal opportunity slut.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever

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(404): View more from Georgia

We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done

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(903): View more from Texas

If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

new low.... made out with someone while peeing

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend

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(205): View more from Alabama

I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...

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(305): View more from Florida

quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you

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(973): View more from New Jersey

haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??

(630): View more from Illinois

savin' lives aint cheap

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(530): View more from California

You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle

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(908): View more from New Jersey

so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.

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(303): View more from Colorado

We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.

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(707): View more from California

OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.

(1-707): View more from California

Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.

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(313): View more from Michigan

The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"

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(845): View more from New York

I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?

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(509): View more from Washington

Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.

(406): View more from Montana

IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.

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(407): View more from Florida

Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober

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(925): View more from California

Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?

(502): View more from Kentucky

Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?

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(910): View more from North Carolina

i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Going to get a "plan B"urrito

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(651): View more from Minnesota

i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.

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(630): View more from Illinois

my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.

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(541): View more from Oregon

He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes

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(801): View more from Utah

I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.

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(613): View more from Ontario

the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!

(1-225): View more from Louisiana

Wtf?

(225): View more from Louisiana

Use the slutty part of ur brain.

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(813): View more from Florida

My mind said no, but my drink said yes.

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(415): View more from California

sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.

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(631): View more from New York

I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?

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(276): View more from Virginia

Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles

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(954): View more from Florida

everyone is single if you try hard enough

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(410): View more from Maryland

There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Come find me please? Im in a ditch.

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

That doesn't help me much...

(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm right under the moon!

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(301): View more from Maryland

Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job

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(210): View more from Texas

Hey it's Austin.

(254): View more from Texas

I am not drunk enough for this conversation.

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(757): View more from Virginia

It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

it was average length and chubby

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

so kinda like him?

(919): View more from North Carolina

now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...

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(561): View more from Florida

i will soon be in a relationship on fb

(919): View more from North Carolina

you!?

(561): View more from Florida

me and your mom. i mean, lisa.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?

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(925): View more from California

don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement

(510): View more from California

big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

school has made you so classy.

(514): View more from Quebec

that's mcgill. producing sluts since 1884.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her

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(678): View more from Georgia

NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree

(404): View more from Georgia

YES.

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(516): View more from New York

i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

She does have a great personality.

(1-864): View more from South Carolina

Yeah, in her vagina.

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(212): View more from New York

You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.

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(650): View more from California

last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'

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(206): View more from Washington

riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea

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(512): View more from Texas

She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."

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(409): View more from Texas

I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong

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(203): View more from Connecticut

the problem with open bar is i never know what to get

(781): View more from Massachusetts

did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."

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(425): View more from Washington

Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water

(425): View more from Washington

Legs for days

(1-425): View more from Washington

Harpoon that

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(845): View more from New York

I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.

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(440): View more from Ohio

oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.

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(334): View more from Alabama

you're like a bully in the Christmas story

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .

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(609): View more from New Jersey

How come twittering sounds sexual?

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Because of Bambi.

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(815): View more from Illinois

He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?

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(636): View more from Missouri

dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you

(1-636): View more from Missouri

when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced

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(785): View more from Kansas

Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.

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(847): View more from Illinois

he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak

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(601): View more from Mississippi

K. On the way. I need a drink.

(904): View more from Florida

Like a drink drink or like water?

(601): View more from Mississippi

Have we met?

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(864): View more from South Carolina

weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Have you learned any life lessons?

(406): View more from Montana

I like big butts and I cannot lie.

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(650): View more from California

i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug

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(757): View more from Virginia

I murdered the dance floor call the cops

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(419): View more from Ohio

More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal

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(312): View more from Illinois

Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.

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(650): View more from California

We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign

(562): View more from California

You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo

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(860): View more from Connecticut

How drunk are you??

(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm flawless.

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(702): View more from Nevada

It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.

(775): View more from Nevada

Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????

(702): View more from Nevada

God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?

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(303): View more from Colorado

I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.

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(516): View more from New York

whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.

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(555): View more from

Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.

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(816): View more from Missouri

YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!

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(416): View more from Ontario

Thursdays are my worst days

(1-416): View more from Ontario

but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?

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(757): View more from Virginia

I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Yeah, where have you been?

(407): View more from Florida

Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.

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(313): View more from Michigan

The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

since when the fuck is that glamorous?

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(516): View more from New York

Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked

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(914): View more from New York

all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.

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(650): View more from California

So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!

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(216): View more from Ohio

you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now

(604): View more from British Columbia

That's weird, I usually just count sheep

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(551): View more from New Jersey

Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead

(201): View more from New Jersey

NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"

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(510): View more from California

according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"

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(216): View more from Ohio

I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out

(440): View more from Ohio

seek help.

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(206): View more from Washington

got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache

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(301): View more from Maryland

You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.

(240): View more from Maryland

Why does tequilla always make you text me?

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(703): View more from Virginia

how do you have sooo much energy?

(571): View more from Virginia

billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week

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(609): View more from New Jersey

it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores

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(817): View more from Texas

So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...

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(205): View more from Alabama

we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.

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(410): View more from Maryland

he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you

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(732): View more from New Jersey

come over i need a lifeguard for my shower

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(585): View more from New York

any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?

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(480): View more from Arizona

the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.

(719): View more from Colorado

she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.

(414): View more from Wisconsin

are you serious?

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter

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(630): View more from Illinois

I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.

(1-630): View more from Illinois

if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...

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(970): View more from Colorado

I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.

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(909): View more from California

Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

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(818): View more from California

he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came

(323): View more from California

i love that song!

(818): View more from California

NOT THE POINT

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(630): View more from Illinois

We stopped her at 12

(708): View more from Illinois

12 shots? Or 12 midnight?

(630): View more from Illinois

Which answer would freak you out less

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(951): View more from California

I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know

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(716): View more from New York

Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."

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(858): View more from California

I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.

(619): View more from California

you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS

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(910): View more from North Carolina

i should start naming my morning wood

(201): View more from New Jersey

great idea but wrong number

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(520): View more from Arizona

He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.

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(917): View more from New York City

HIV tests are more positive than that guy

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(561): View more from Florida

She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'

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(804): View more from Virginia

VAGINAS EVERYWHERE

(804): View more from Virginia

they're staring at me

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(404): View more from Georgia

Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.

(305): View more from Florida

Did you save them?

(404): View more from Georgia

Who?

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(586): View more from Michigan

i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket

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(810): View more from Michigan

If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?

(989): View more from Michigan

I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own

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(641): View more from Iowa

I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.

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(805): View more from California

The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.

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(818): View more from California

The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Who is this?

(407): View more from Florida

Who do you want it to be?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Sarah Palin

(407): View more from Florida

I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde

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(631): View more from New York

I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.

(631): View more from New York

Cruelly.

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(512): View more from Texas

the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk

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(609): View more from New Jersey

You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.

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(937): View more from Ohio

talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.

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(845): View more from New York

Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?

(1-859): View more from Kentucky

im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle

(859): View more from Kentucky

Guys should not giggle. Ever.

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(716): View more from New York

I can text with my tongue

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.

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(206): View more from Washington

On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...

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(847): View more from Illinois

so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.

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(425): View more from Washington

Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.

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(301): View more from Maryland

He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!

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(319): View more from Iowa

Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother

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(503): View more from Oregon

Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal

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(443): View more from Maryland

guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way

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(614): View more from Ohio

you really are a gigantic fucking slut.

(614): View more from Ohio

sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text

(1-614): View more from Ohio

it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

How's work?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Spinning.

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(515): View more from Iowa

If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.

(641): View more from Iowa

Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?

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(815): View more from Illinois

Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.

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(209): View more from California

what is college for if not random hookup sex?

(951): View more from California

learning.

(209): View more from California

i would literally fuck learning if i could.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind

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(479): View more from Arkansas

if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey

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(626): View more from California

Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.

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(303): View more from Colorado

i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness

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(480): View more from Arizona

I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.

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(586): View more from Michigan

My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.

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(513): View more from Ohio

She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.

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(706): View more from Georgia

we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

fireball beer pong. youre missing out

(732): View more from New Jersey

how is that even possible?

(908): View more from New Jersey

ove gloves.

(732): View more from New Jersey

be there in ten.

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(917): View more from New York City

still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.

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(813): View more from Florida

Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?

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(330): View more from Ohio

Little spoons don't ask big questions

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(925): View more from California

Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.

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(727): View more from Florida

how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?

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(904): View more from Florida

I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.

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(509): View more from Washington

Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.

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(305): View more from Florida

If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

its not stalking. its research.

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(208): View more from Idaho

dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here

(1-208): View more from Idaho

what the hell does that mean?

(208): View more from Idaho

nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar

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(904): View more from Florida

I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right

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(903): View more from Texas

Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi

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(813): View more from Florida

he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there

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(562): View more from California

tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will

(714): View more from California

and a girl gets the red ring of death every month

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(850): View more from Florida

i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once

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(615): View more from Tennessee

At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...

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(772): View more from Florida

I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it

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(845): View more from New York

Stop trying to talk to my friends!!

(1-845): View more from New York

then get some ugly ones...

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(979): View more from Texas

I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME

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(404): View more from Georgia

i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Operation extremely regretful is in full effect

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you

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(647): View more from Ontario

all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes

(905): View more from Ontario

You're fat. Stop making excuses

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(240): View more from Maryland

This kid is drunk.

(410): View more from Maryland

I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.

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(786): View more from Florida

I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.

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(812): View more from Indiana

How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?

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