Texts From Last Night · lauraland's Favorites

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lauraland's Favorites Texts:

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(516): View more from New York

No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.

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(516): View more from New York

you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?

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(516): View more from New York

She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.

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(516): View more from New York

the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.

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(516): View more from New York

drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me

(516): View more from New York

he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york

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(516): View more from New York

Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?

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(404): View more from Georgia

I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD

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(914): View more from New York

I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out

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(252): View more from North Carolina

We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.

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(541): View more from Oregon

we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.

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(516): View more from New York

I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar

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(937): View more from Ohio

We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture

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(917): View more from New York City

Eric got herpes from Jo-ann

(914): View more from New York

That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian

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(609): View more from New Jersey

So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before

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(917): View more from New York City

Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk

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(815): View more from Illinois

The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god

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(860): View more from Connecticut

once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.

(713): View more from Texas

what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.

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(281): View more from Texas

Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."

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(310): View more from California

Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?

(770): View more from Georgia

b/c u have herpes

(310): View more from California

No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.

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(970): View more from Colorado

do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?

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(517): View more from Michigan

the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.

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(+82): View more from

I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.

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(585): View more from New York

Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello

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(619): View more from California

If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.

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(818): View more from California

I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape

(310): View more from California

wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?

(818): View more from California

why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

How did you manage that?

(860): View more from Connecticut

Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis

(203): View more from Connecticut

lol... jersey girls rock

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(856): View more from New Jersey

nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends

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(914): View more from New York

How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?

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(410): View more from Maryland

You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.

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(206): View more from Washington

No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.

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(301): View more from Maryland

the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.

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(325): View more from Texas

wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"

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(619): View more from California

just caught grandpa beating off in the living room

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(863): View more from Florida

I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..

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(308): View more from Nebraska

I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad

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(310): View more from California

ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll

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(607): View more from New York

I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name

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(734): View more from Michigan

THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?

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(518): View more from New York

i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.

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(516): View more from New York

i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.

(913): View more from Kansas

Nobody is perfect

(816): View more from Missouri

I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

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(607): View more from New York

You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me

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(330): View more from Ohio

I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.

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(630): View more from Illinois

We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.

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(718): View more from New York

bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

(917): View more from New York City

I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

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(716): View more from New York

I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.

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(212): View more from New York

I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.

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(386): View more from Florida

after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

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(281): View more from Texas

How do you jack off and text at the same time?

(1-281): View more from Texas

On my iPhone they have an app for that

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(831): View more from California

theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it

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(305): View more from Florida

i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

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(713): View more from Texas

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512): View more from Texas

babe, don't say it like that!

(713): View more from Texas

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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(847): View more from Illinois

He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.

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(850): View more from Florida

Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

(850): View more from Florida

I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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(734): View more from Michigan

I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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(214): View more from Texas

he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'

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(910): View more from North Carolina

wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars

(910): View more from North Carolina

IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT

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(775): View more from Nevada

before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

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(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.

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(410): View more from Maryland

so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero

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(443): View more from Maryland

We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."

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(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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(347): View more from New York

in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

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(410): View more from Maryland

Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!

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(815): View more from Illinois

Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again

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(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

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(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(404): View more from Georgia

i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

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(843): View more from South Carolina

the red head has a bf

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

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(563): View more from Iowa

Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade

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(516): View more from New York

im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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(516): View more from New York

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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(219): View more from Indiana

rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(214): View more from Texas

Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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(909): View more from California

I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

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(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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lauraland's Favorites Texts:

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