Texts From Last Night · skittles2fresh's Favorites

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skittles2fresh's Favorites Texts:

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(785): View more from Kansas

The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.

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(785): View more from Kansas

last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.

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(316): View more from Kansas

You love me.

(785): View more from Kansas

That's because, tragically, I adore whores.

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(785): View more from Kansas

turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high

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(785): View more from Kansas

We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.

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(904): View more from Florida

I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me

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(904): View more from Florida

watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..

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(904): View more from Florida

she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"

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(904): View more from Florida

Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.

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(904): View more from Florida

i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.

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(904): View more from Florida

sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!

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(904): View more from Florida

I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.

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(904): View more from Florida

i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school

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(904): View more from Florida

i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents

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(904): View more from Florida

Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable

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(904): View more from Florida

So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!

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(904): View more from Florida

i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall

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(904): View more from Florida

took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.

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(904): View more from Florida

youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb

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(904): View more from Florida

it's circumsized.

(954): View more from Florida

I think this conversation is over.

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(904): View more from Florida

We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple

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(216): View more from Ohio

oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.

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(305): View more from Florida

If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka

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(256): View more from Alabama

I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.

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(231): View more from Michigan

i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget

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(706): View more from Georgia

Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.

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(319): View more from Iowa

he asked me to smell his eyeballs.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays

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(541): View more from Oregon

i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after

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(214): View more from Texas

Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.

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(512): View more from Texas

Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?

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(210): View more from Texas

You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...

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(646): View more from New York

There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.

(1-646): View more from New York

Your pregnant arnt you

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(631): View more from New York

Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack

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(503): View more from Oregon

my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?

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(914): View more from New York

I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.

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(404): View more from Georgia

You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.

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(574): View more from Indiana

You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...

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(720): View more from Colorado

This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.

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(415): View more from California

Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??

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(214): View more from Texas

herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.

(1-214): View more from Texas

ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...

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(847): View more from Illinois

he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?

(952): View more from Minnesota

You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....

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(757): View more from Virginia

He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.

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(208): View more from Idaho

I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks

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(949): View more from California

Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up

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(541): View more from Oregon

I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with

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(248): View more from Michigan

ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year

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(770): View more from Georgia

Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?

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(734): View more from Michigan

Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?

(1-734): View more from Michigan

How did the beer even get there in the first place?

(734): View more from Michigan

That's not what's important right now

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.

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(807): View more from Ontario

Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?

(1-807): View more from Ontario

Just flip the mattress, it erases all

(807): View more from Ontario

Done and done

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(425): View more from Washington

I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.

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(240): View more from Maryland

oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times

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(856): View more from New Jersey

She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"

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(585): View more from New York

My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.

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(406): View more from Montana

That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.

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(915): View more from Texas

when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'

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(916): View more from California

This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.

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(712): View more from Iowa

it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe

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(630): View more from Illinois

i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.

(1-630): View more from Illinois

nothing about this is right.

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(425): View more from Washington

I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.

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(410): View more from Maryland

i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.

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(845): View more from New York

its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth

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(905): View more from Ontario

while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"

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(714): View more from California

I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum

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(316): View more from Kansas

And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.

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(301): View more from Maryland

You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

without a question

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(859): View more from Kentucky

It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes

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(586): View more from Michigan

Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.

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(972): View more from Texas

The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?

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(720): View more from Colorado

Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?

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(630): View more from Illinois

She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.

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(802): View more from Vermont

i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer

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(503): View more from Oregon

No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.

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(703): View more from Virginia

She's allergic to latex.

(678): View more from Georgia

Lucky bastard.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number

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(828): View more from North Carolina

the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

God wants them to get laid too.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!

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(309): View more from Illinois

so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit

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(612): View more from Minnesota

If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

Or a large amount of condoms?!?

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(315): View more from New York

THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!

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(419): View more from Ohio

This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?

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(319): View more from Iowa

I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.

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(661): View more from California

He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.

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(708): View more from Illinois

We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now

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(708): View more from Illinois

I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�

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(250): View more from British Columbia

A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja

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(510): View more from California

On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage

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(850): View more from Florida

Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.

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(206): View more from Washington

she told me i tasted like america

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(419): View more from Ohio

I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....

(732): View more from New Jersey

This explains a lot.

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(817): View more from Texas

how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss

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skittles2fresh's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

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