Texts From Last Night · suntych's Favorites

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suntych's Favorites Texts:

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(559): View more from California

Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later

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(310): View more from California

Even water is tasting like jack daniels

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(325): View more from Texas

When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl

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(510): View more from California

The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.

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(269): View more from Michigan

So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow

(1-269): View more from Michigan

Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.

(1-813): View more from Florida

Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?

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(518): View more from New York

She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her

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(225): View more from Louisiana

she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.

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(585): View more from New York

Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up

(1-585): View more from New York

Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit

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(980): View more from North Carolina

Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"

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(540): View more from Virginia

i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.

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(703): View more from Virginia

fucking a dude

(703): View more from Virginia

i mean: fucking a, dude

(703): View more from Virginia

wow, that comma made all the difference there

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(480): View more from Arizona

Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?

(774): View more from Massachusetts

Someone just got laid.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)

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(248): View more from Michigan

toast her oven

(1-248): View more from Michigan

toast her strudel

(248): View more from Michigan

inspect her gadget

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

thats actually pretty good logic

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.

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(407): View more from Florida

I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.

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(519): View more from Ontario

we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning

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(716): View more from New York

holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !

(1-716): View more from New York

How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'

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(410): View more from Maryland

YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.

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(925): View more from California

370HSSV 0773H read that upside down

(1-925): View more from California

what are you doing with your life

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

You could give me a blowjob later? :)

(1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I meant do something romantic..

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Blowjob In the moonlight?

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(317): View more from Indiana

The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Heyyyy darlin are you busy?

(1-319): View more from Iowa

Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.

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(607): View more from New York

I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later

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(206): View more from Washington

Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.

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(813): View more from Florida

So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3

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(513): View more from Ohio

I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors

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(937): View more from Ohio

[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]

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(208): View more from Idaho

its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they

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(423): View more from Tennessee

gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it

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(404): View more from Georgia

we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother

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(516): View more from New York

Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life

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(904): View more from Florida

Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'

(1-904): View more from Florida

wtf?

(904): View more from Florida

It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'

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(712): View more from Iowa

She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...

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(408): View more from California

I miss the smell of you or some shit.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.

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(804): View more from Virginia

So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss

(757): View more from Virginia

So when are we having a sleepover?

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(801): View more from Utah

please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.

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(317): View more from Indiana

sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"

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(775): View more from Nevada

Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.

(504): View more from Louisiana

Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?

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(216): View more from Ohio

he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone

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(917): View more from New York City

I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.

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(619): View more from California

I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...

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(850): View more from Florida

I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over

(314): View more from Missouri

you can't hurt those

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(250): View more from British Columbia

If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites

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(614): View more from Ohio

You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.

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(907): View more from Alaska

How are you feeling today?

(330): View more from Ohio

i could've thrown up on command at any point today...

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(323): View more from California

forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell

(310): View more from California

my version of bright and sunny.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early

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(520): View more from Arizona

In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.

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(916): View more from California

put your butt on the phone this is a booty call

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(214): View more from Texas

A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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(316): View more from Kansas

You love me.

(785): View more from Kansas

That's because, tragically, I adore whores.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers

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(719): View more from Colorado

Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".

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(714): View more from California

Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Redeem this text for a blowjob

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(636): View more from Missouri

A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

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(301): View more from Maryland

i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test

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(630): View more from Illinois

all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed

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(703): View more from Virginia

How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I'm so horny!

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm so hungry

(508): View more from Massachusetts

WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!

(781): View more from Massachusetts

For your pussy...

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(314): View more from Missouri

hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

(636): View more from Missouri

Yup.

(314): View more from Missouri

Yup.

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(720): View more from Colorado

She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.

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(219): View more from Indiana

Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.

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(619): View more from California

Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.

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(607): View more from New York

Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.

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(845): View more from New York

Stop trying to talk to my friends!!

(1-845): View more from New York

then get some ugly ones...

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(702): View more from Nevada

explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.

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(954): View more from Florida

I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza

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(571): View more from Virginia

there were more penises there than on chat roulette

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(770): View more from Georgia

Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex

(404): View more from Georgia

Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut

(770): View more from Georgia

Fuck. Wron person. But yea

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(662): View more from Mississippi

They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk

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(972): View more from Texas

the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(817): View more from Texas

He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house

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(713): View more from Texas

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512): View more from Texas

babe, don't say it like that!

(713): View more from Texas

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

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(516): View more from New York

I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss

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(818): View more from California

you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.

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(562): View more from California

Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics

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(847): View more from Illinois

She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.

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(954): View more from Florida

What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?

(904): View more from Florida

Both

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(205): View more from Alabama

Why are my keys in the refrigerator?

(1-205): View more from Alabama

You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.

(205): View more from Alabama

This explains so much.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!

(1-515): View more from Iowa

Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.

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(917): View more from New York City

I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg

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(719): View more from Colorado

Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.

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(409): View more from Texas

white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character

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(931): View more from Tennessee

drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.

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(231): View more from Michigan

I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.

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(845): View more from New York

3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride

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(816): View more from Missouri

I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.

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(415): View more from California

sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year

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(941): View more from Florida

Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.

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(904): View more from Florida

the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.

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(469): View more from Texas

i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...

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(407): View more from Florida

i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point

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(636): View more from Missouri

You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.

(847): View more from Illinois

What did I say?

(636): View more from Missouri

Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.

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(936): View more from Texas

im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...

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(518): View more from New York

everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."

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(847): View more from Illinois

hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better

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(859): View more from Kentucky

you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.

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(334): View more from Alabama

They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.

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(904): View more from Florida

Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.

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(925): View more from California

Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard

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(360): View more from Washington

No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..

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(708): View more from Illinois

i dedicated my morning wood to you.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.

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(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

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(347): View more from New York

in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

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(802): View more from Vermont

OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(908): View more from New Jersey

there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.

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(925): View more from California

2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..

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(240): View more from Maryland

I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Get out of your relationship and into my pants.

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(352): View more from Florida

You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.

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(512): View more from Texas

i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.

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(519): View more from Ontario

On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?

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(301): View more from Maryland

You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.

(240): View more from Maryland

Why does tequilla always make you text me?

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(205): View more from Alabama

I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.

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(509): View more from Washington

Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.

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(480): View more from Arizona

You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.

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(949): View more from California

you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one

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(847): View more from Illinois

i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy

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(415): View more from California

And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"

(1-415): View more from California

What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.

(415): View more from California

He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."

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(502): View more from Kentucky

He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.

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(516): View more from New York

doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog

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(530): View more from California

You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.

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(210): View more from Texas

If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.

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(313): View more from Michigan

im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come

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(704): View more from North Carolina

she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"

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(402): View more from Nebraska

On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.

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(206): View more from Washington

He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards

(1-515): View more from Iowa

None

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(914): View more from New York

She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.

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(858): View more from California

I'll start drinking again when I know where I am

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(612): View more from Minnesota

we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.

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(305): View more from Florida

I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm in his phone as sushi coochie

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.

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(818): View more from California

she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick

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(315): View more from New York

My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'

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(303): View more from Colorado

dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.

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(417): View more from Missouri

When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Someone's got a whale tail

(1-314): View more from Missouri

A thong is hangin out?

(314): View more from Missouri

No, a fatty following them

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(480): View more from Arizona

Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.

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(205): View more from Alabama

woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers

(1-205): View more from Alabama

yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....

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(330): View more from Ohio

Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.

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(314): View more from Missouri

On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?

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(256): View more from Alabama

we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.

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(937): View more from Ohio

We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.

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(706): View more from Georgia

If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore

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(806): View more from Texas

and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...

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(908): View more from New Jersey

her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.

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(312): View more from Illinois

Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.

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(716): View more from New York

He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid

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(301): View more from Maryland

Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."

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(518): View more from New York

Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant

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(256): View more from Alabama

i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

dude how high are you right now?

(256): View more from Alabama

do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.

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(661): View more from California

Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

(1-661): View more from California

What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem

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(614): View more from Ohio

...is it true? will i see you next weekend

(248): View more from Michigan

YES.

(614): View more from Ohio

ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

Woah.

(918): View more from Oklahoma

that's not how you spell hell yes.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.

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(904): View more from Florida

at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot

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(979): View more from Texas

What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

the red head has a bf

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

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(586): View more from Michigan

Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?

(313): View more from Michigan

Ya

(586): View more from Michigan

I used to kick so much ass

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(402): View more from Nebraska

hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

come over

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(757): View more from Virginia

I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.

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(352): View more from Florida

Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot

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(585): View more from New York

Why was I handcuffed to the roof?

(518): View more from New York

It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly

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(651): View more from Minnesota

i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups

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(757): View more from Virginia

I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.

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(260): View more from Indiana

My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck

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(443): View more from Maryland

Just cropdusted the office

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(201): View more from New Jersey

If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?

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(616): View more from Michigan

I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.

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(702): View more from Nevada

It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...

(775): View more from Nevada

yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.

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(469): View more from Texas

you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.

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(561): View more from Florida

i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.

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(613): View more from Ontario

She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one

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(314): View more from Missouri

Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.

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(469): View more from Texas

It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life

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(651): View more from Minnesota

how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?

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(313): View more from Michigan

The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.

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(240): View more from Maryland

you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters

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(440): View more from Ohio

Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.

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(416): View more from Ontario

Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home

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(201): View more from New Jersey

nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment

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(575): View more from New Mexico

She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.

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(561): View more from Florida

Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.

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