Texts From Last Night · viAutumn's Favorites

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viAutumn's Favorites Texts:

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...

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(410): View more from Maryland

I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"

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(513): View more from Ohio

I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.

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(810): View more from Michigan

We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.

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(231): View more from Michigan

Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you found the shrooms didnt you

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(248): View more from Michigan

Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways

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(773): View more from Illinois

I think I sprained my soul last night

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I'm wearing red that night.

(301): View more from Maryland

Noted, what shade?

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Whore.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Nice meating you last night

(843): View more from South Carolina

Not a typo

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(954): View more from Florida

i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill

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(248): View more from Michigan

Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock

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(912): View more from Georgia

It's not kidnapping if it's romantic

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(949): View more from California

You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now

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(925): View more from California

I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be

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(850): View more from Florida

His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?

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(562): View more from California

If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up

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(407): View more from Florida

I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it

(919): View more from North Carolina

Are you talking about my vagina?

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(763): View more from Minnesota

that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!

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(207): View more from Maine

If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.

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(305): View more from Florida

If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining

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(703): View more from Virginia

i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore

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(903): View more from Texas

Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.

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(305): View more from Florida

Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.

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(914): View more from New York

i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"

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(705): View more from Ontario

last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

what's the vibe there?

(917): View more from New York City

extraordinary amounts of gine

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(707): View more from California

I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.

(1-707): View more from California

is that even a sentence?

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals

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(952): View more from Minnesota

it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table

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(562): View more from California

...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are

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(716): View more from New York

As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."

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(661): View more from California

Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

(1-661): View more from California

What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

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(845): View more from New York

I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper

(952): View more from Minnesota

Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?

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(404): View more from Georgia

three words: i give head

(770): View more from Georgia

three words: not that well

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(817): View more from Texas

I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death

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(404): View more from Georgia

Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?

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(481): View more from

I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW

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(801): View more from Utah

I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified

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(862): View more from New Jersey

Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.

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(916): View more from California

Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.

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(817): View more from Texas

It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.

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(703): View more from Virginia

relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks

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(716): View more from New York

Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple

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(602): View more from Arizona

I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits

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(313): View more from Michigan

White coat. Heels.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here

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(917): View more from New York City

I cockslap morals

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(917): View more from New York City

I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE

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(740): View more from Ohio

I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"

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(954): View more from Florida

I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets

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(613): View more from Ontario

I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I skipped work to stalk him.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk

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(702): View more from Nevada

Kareoke will never be a sober sport

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(770): View more from Georgia

I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.

(1-813): View more from Florida

Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple

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(207): View more from Maine

DRUNK CANOEING

(804): View more from Virginia

Please text me if you survive.

(207): View more from Maine

LAND HO BITCH

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(253): View more from Washington

The pine trees are waving at me.

(907): View more from Alaska

Put the pipe down honey.

(253): View more from Washington

Hi trees.

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(905): View more from Ontario

i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time

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(757): View more from Virginia

It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.

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(925): View more from California

370HSSV 0773H read that upside down

(1-925): View more from California

what are you doing with your life

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now

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(707): View more from California

She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.

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(512): View more from Texas

Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on

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(916): View more from California

I can already almost taste penis in my mouth

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(417): View more from Missouri

how was ur day?

(405): View more from Oklahoma

this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I'm lost and stupid without you.

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(818): View more from California

I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.

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(850): View more from Florida

I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.

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(305): View more from Florida

false alarm. still invincible.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.

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(208): View more from Idaho

I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.

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(858): View more from California

She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.

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(845): View more from New York

im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to

(1-845): View more from New York

i wanted you to too

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis

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(770): View more from Georgia

If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?

(910): View more from North Carolina

That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?

(770): View more from Georgia

Touche.

(910): View more from North Carolina

I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.

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(650): View more from California

i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.

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(281): View more from Texas

Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal

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(734): View more from Michigan

I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.

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(303): View more from Colorado

This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.

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(404): View more from Georgia

This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Sorry, I don't speak sober.

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(817): View more from Texas

I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.

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(905): View more from Ontario

I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation

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(813): View more from Florida

I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.

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(616): View more from Michigan

it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.

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(334): View more from Alabama

This hangover is way worse than all my relationships

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(808): View more from Hawaii

dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd

(1-808): View more from Hawaii

lock that shit down

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.

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(515): View more from Iowa

It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..

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(503): View more from Oregon

I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.

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(540): View more from Virginia

i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall

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(630): View more from Illinois

do you know how bad I want you right now?

(1-630): View more from Illinois

As bad as i want you to stop texting me?

(630): View more from Illinois

is that a hint?

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(804): View more from Virginia

Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys

(1-804): View more from Virginia

wow, that really makes you stop and think.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.

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(858): View more from California

i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

My vibrator challenges you to a duel.

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(408): View more from California

You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.

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(586): View more from Michigan

There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.

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(519): View more from Ontario

and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Odds of those being real?

(614): View more from Ohio

One in who gives a fuck

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(906): View more from Michigan

It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again

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(319): View more from Iowa

I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation

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(704): View more from North Carolina

she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"

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(573): View more from Missouri

I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.

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(212): View more from New York

Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.

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(802): View more from Vermont

She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.

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(212): View more from New York

You feel like going out tonight?

(1-212): View more from New York

Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle

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(503): View more from Oregon

I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.

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(206): View more from Washington

Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.

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(512): View more from Texas

We need to rekindle our bromance

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?

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(620): View more from Kansas

I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.

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(561): View more from Florida

i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM

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(904): View more from Florida

masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap

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(937): View more from Ohio

they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend

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(858): View more from California

Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts

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(407): View more from Florida

I'm so fucking centered right now

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I am in a vortex of obligation.

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(661): View more from California

new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love

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(310): View more from California

All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive

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(228): View more from Mississippi

you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head

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(229): View more from Georgia

Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.

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(650): View more from California

Is it normal to miss your booty call?

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(512): View more from Texas

Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.

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(561): View more from Florida

I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

haha what'd she say

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF

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(858): View more from California

My sheets look like a crime scene.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.

(773): View more from Illinois

You spelled "worthless" wrong.

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(815): View more from Illinois

The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.

(928): View more from Arizona

wow.

(815): View more from Illinois

But it's a REALLY good back rub.

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(313): View more from Michigan

They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.

(313): View more from Michigan

Something like a penis light saber.

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(240): View more from Maryland

We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.

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(518): View more from New York

I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.

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(585): View more from New York

Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.

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(410): View more from Maryland

He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.

(1-410): View more from Maryland

True romance of the 21st century.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

i want to fuck

(320): View more from Minnesota

?

(701): View more from North Dakota

it's pretty self explanatory

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(813): View more from Florida

I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it

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(212): View more from New York

I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell

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(630): View more from Illinois

shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.

(1-630): View more from Illinois

you dont need a face to have sex

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(703): View more from Virginia

If i come over, it means nothing

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.

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(240): View more from Maryland

I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy

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(256): View more from Alabama

You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.

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(801): View more from Utah

He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.

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(850): View more from Florida

Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

(850): View more from Florida

I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

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(515): View more from Iowa

I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"

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(520): View more from Arizona

I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.

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(954): View more from Florida

Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...

(1-954): View more from Florida

Is this the gay conversation?

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(765): View more from Indiana

So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?

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(904): View more from Florida

Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.

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(618): View more from Illinois

its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches

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(937): View more from Ohio

after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

This is sufficient.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x

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(707): View more from California

I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA

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(907): View more from Alaska

The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.

(907): View more from Alaska

Nevermind, it's not water.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Are we in a gay sports bar?

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot

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(574): View more from Indiana

i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting

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