Texts From Last Night · whereiszack's Favorites

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(815): View more from Illinois

YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it

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(859): View more from Kentucky

You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.

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(850): View more from Florida

The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.

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(561): View more from Florida

I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly

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(315): View more from New York

My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

An old lady WILL get vomited on today.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?

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(802): View more from Vermont

Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment

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(515): View more from Iowa

We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.

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(904): View more from Florida

There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.

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(925): View more from California

Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere

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(850): View more from Florida

I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.

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(805): View more from California

WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH

(1-805): View more from California

budget cuts

(805): View more from California

YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS

(1-805): View more from California

budget cuts are serious business

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(201): View more from New Jersey

She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

6 min

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(815): View more from Illinois

Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people

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(585): View more from New York

And I feel bad.

(716): View more from New York

Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?

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(805): View more from California

You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.

(1-805): View more from California

watch me

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(519): View more from Ontario

she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."

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(970): View more from Colorado

She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??

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(618): View more from Illinois

I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.

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(216): View more from Ohio

you turned your livingroom into a bong?

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(+82): View more from South Korea

I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.

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(845): View more from New York

I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass

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(705): View more from Ontario

Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.

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(386): View more from Florida

I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.

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(407): View more from Florida

I think I have a pornographic memory.

(954): View more from Florida

Don't you mean photographic?

(407): View more from Florida

No.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom

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(498): View more from

You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.

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(518): View more from New York

Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.

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(586): View more from Michigan

1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night

(586): View more from Michigan

2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street

(586): View more from Michigan

3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call

(586): View more from Michigan

So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you

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(847): View more from Illinois

no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl

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(650): View more from California

I love my bros weed

(650): View more from California

Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet

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(805): View more from California

Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?

(805): View more from California

and why are they spooning a flamingo?

(714): View more from California

they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding

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(904): View more from Florida

I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.

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(708): View more from Illinois

what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house

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(507): View more from Minnesota

It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.

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(407): View more from Florida

Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.

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(734): View more from Michigan

SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!

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(973): View more from New Jersey

gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.

(301): View more from Maryland

I accept this challenge.

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(231): View more from Michigan

I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.

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(+27): View more from South Africa

I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.

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(415): View more from California

No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."

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(248): View more from Michigan

Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.

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(317): View more from Indiana

He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...

(1-317): View more from Indiana

He's the fucking cop whisperer.

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(760): View more from California

Joe is yelling at the trees again.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after

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(810): View more from Michigan

You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.

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(913): View more from Kansas

you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.

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(734): View more from Michigan

; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up

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(631): View more from New York

Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"

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(705): View more from Ontario

All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'

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(850): View more from Florida

Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

(850): View more from Florida

I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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(308): View more from Nebraska

Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.

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(626): View more from California

One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...

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(240): View more from Maryland

We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.

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(760): View more from California

so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.

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(806): View more from Texas

You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit

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(618): View more from Illinois

Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real

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(404): View more from Georgia

We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.

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(212): View more from New York

He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.

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(773): View more from Illinois

grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.

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(325): View more from Texas

As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Come find me please? Im in a ditch.

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

That doesn't help me much...

(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm right under the moon!

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?

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(253): View more from Washington

So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.

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(347): View more from New York

I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN

(347): View more from New York

I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN

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(813): View more from Florida

If you die in college, do you die in real life?

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(214): View more from Texas

you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.

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(703): View more from Virginia

swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."

(202): View more from Washington, DC

buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.

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(314): View more from Missouri

hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

(636): View more from Missouri

Yup.

(314): View more from Missouri

Yup.

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(815): View more from Illinois

It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.

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(914): View more from New York

Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME

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(425): View more from Washington

all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian

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(803): View more from South Carolina

some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

That's funny. Are they weird looking???

(262): View more from Wisconsin

OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.

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(480): View more from Arizona

With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.

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(513): View more from Ohio

thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers

(440): View more from Ohio

its only a rough draft.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever

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(253): View more from Washington

The pine trees are waving at me.

(907): View more from Alaska

Put the pipe down honey.

(253): View more from Washington

Hi trees.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."

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(510): View more from California

I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

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(916): View more from California

I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.

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(858): View more from California

in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"

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(443): View more from Maryland

she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.

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(352): View more from Florida

I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.

(352): View more from Florida

Just realized these events may be related.

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(540): View more from Virginia

you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"

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(304): View more from West Virginia

She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments

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(801): View more from Utah

Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first

(206): View more from Washington

You are the luckiest man alive

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(773): View more from Illinois

I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.

(847): View more from Illinois

Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.

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(650): View more from California

the ice cream truck is coming omgomg

(1-650): View more from California

dude, it's 2 am.

(650): View more from California

but its COMING

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(415): View more from California

I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"

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(206): View more from Washington

woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night

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(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."

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(716): View more from New York

I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried

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(702): View more from Nevada

you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?

(1-702): View more from Nevada

oh that explains alot.

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