Last Night in New York (518)

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• (518): View more from New York

  Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.

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• (518): View more from New York

  I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!

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• (518): View more from New York

  We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".

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• (518): View more from New York

  Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated

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  Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now

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• (518): View more from New York

  I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.

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• (518): View more from New York

  Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.

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  Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake

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  If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.

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• (518): View more from New York

  I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.

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• (518): View more from New York

  We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?

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• (518): View more from New York

  I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"

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• (518): View more from New York

  I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.

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• (518): View more from New York

  I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.

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