I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Send help, water and tortillas.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
