Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize
