the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
