It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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