When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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