i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
