If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
