He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
