I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
did i just pee glitter
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
