and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
literally had 100 drinks last night.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
