I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
