So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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