i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
