All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
