Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
