your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
