Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
