So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
