The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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