Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
