I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
If I had your ass I would rule the world
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
