i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
