New invention idea: vibrating tampons
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
