You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
