just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
