the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
