What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Your cock deserves a montage
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
