Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
