Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
