I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
