i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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