how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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