I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
