I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
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