so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
