if you like me you must not know who I am
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
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